My life while going through a divorce & Life AFTER my divorce!!!

2009 is coming to an end... Where did the year go??

2009-12-26T16:44:00.002-06:00

I can't believe 2009 is almost over. This year is ending in an amazing way for me too!!!

As I mentioned before that I thought I had probably found Mr. Right already and just never knew it. Yes, Michael! I wasn't sure if he would ever give me a chance for more then just the friends that we remained. Well he did.... He is an amazing man (just like I have always said) He has really opened up to me this time. I always thought he was holding back and wasn't telling me something. Well we had an amazing talk and he explained some things to me. He said he now fully trusts me and he is now ready to take that leap of faith with me. I told him I didn't realize he wasn't ready that last time we dated. I told him I was ready then, but this time I started off a bit apprehensive. He told me he understood.

Well we have finally made that great connection that I never totally felt with him before. It is amazing!!!! He told me he loved me on December 19th! It just melted my heart! I told him I was getting there too... He told me to take my time.

Meanwhile I have continued to really fall for him... he has really opened up to me. He is so amazing! I got us tickets to go see a comedian at the Funny Bone in St. Louis on New Years Eve. I was thinking I would probably tell him that night that I Loved him as I was certain that I was falling in Love with him. Then Christmas Eve came and he came over to our house just as we finished opening presents. He ate dinner with us and then we just enjoyed each other company. He said he was going to have to go home about 8 to get stuff ready for Christmas Day. Well Carter and him started playing football on the PlayStation. So while they were busy I was able to get some stuff picked up and then to start making Gee's blanket. It was almost 10pm when they finally got done and Michael started to get ready to leave. I told him to call me or text me when he got home. Well he didn't call and didn't text and I started to get worried since the weather wasn't that good outside. It was a good 45 minutes later I got a text from him saying that he was home and that he left his phone in the car by accident. Well the first think I saw when I opened that text was Accident. My heart just sank. It was then that I realized I had really fallen in Love with him. I was so worried that something happened to him and the thought of not ever seeing him again really scared me. Then I was thinking if something did happen to him that I never got to tell him I Loved him.... So, Christmas Day when he came over I told him I Loved him and that I knew I was falling for him, but I really realized it the night before that I wasn't only falling... I already Fell in love!

We have spent the past two Christmas's together and I hope we spend many more together.

I think I have found "The One"!!!! I told him thank you for never giving up on me and he said he Never has given up on me and that he Never will!

2010 is going to be an amazing year!!!!

I took that leap of faith and I fell.... and let me tell you the fall was worth it all!!!

The search for Mr. Right....

2009-11-22T16:55:00.003-06:00

I know I've said this before, but I really thought dating was supposed to be fun.... Well it's not.

I saw a guy again this weekend that I had previously saw a couple months ago. He is very kind and gentle. He has a good job making lots of money, however he lives in Peoria so that he can be closer to his work. I went there to see him this weekend. Well I just was not comfortable around him. I found myself comparing him to Michael. Yes, Michael the guy that I have dated twice now.... Michael is just such an amazing man, he really is. I just wish I had that great connection with him. Maybe every time we tried dating I was trying to rush things?? I have never felt as comfortable with anyone else as I do with him.

This past Monday I had to go to Decatur to have a root canal done. I asked him if he could give me directions since he used to live in Decatur. Well, he not only gave me directions he wanted to take me. He said he was off work that day and would like to see me and to be able to take me. He is so SWEET. After all that I have put him through he is still there for me no matter what.

I was telling some of my friends at work that he was wanting to take me to the dentist. One of them said to me... you know what will happen someday... I said what. She said someday you two will get married. ;-)

I don't know though... As much as I do really like him... always have and have fallen for him numerous times, there was always something that would sneak up and stop me from falling completely in love with him. Plus, I don't know if he would ever take me back... and I wouldn't blame him one bit either.

So, that's it for my dating life right now. Maybe I had already found Mr. Right and didn't ever realize it......

NEW UPDATE!!!! (sorry it's been so long)

2009-10-07T08:03:00.001-05:00

First let me say for those that do still read this…. I am sorry that it has been so long since I have given an update.

Lets see… where to start.

Well the last time I updated I was still seeing Michael. Back in the beginning of September we mutually agreed that things just weren’t progressing and that it just wasn’t a good time for us to be trying to date again. I told him I do care for him, but that I just don’t have time right now to devote to a relationship. My main priority is Carter and myself. So between Carter’s sports activities and me working 2 jobs to try and make ends meet I just don’t have time to date anyone right now. Now I have gone on two dates since Michael and I called it quits. However, I told them both before we even went on the dates that I really wasn’t looking to date right now as I just don’t have the time to devote to a relationship. They understood, but still wanted to go out.

Carter is finishing up football right now. He had his last scheduled game already, but his team has a bowl game this coming Saturday. He keeps wavering back and forth on whether or not he wants to play football again next year. I am signing him up next for basketball that starts next month. He has never played before so we will have to wait and see if he likes it. His favorite sport by far is baseball!!!!!

Carter seems to be doing really well in 1st grade this year. It is amazing to hear him read to me. I LOVE it! My baby is growing up though… way to fast. I have his parent teacher conference this coming Friday so I will hopefully find out more on how he is doing in class then.

Can you believe Carter is going to be 7 years old in less then a month…. Oh my goodness where have the past 7 years gone???

I was the good parent last night and actually took Carter to Jacksonville to see his father. Carter hasn’t seen his father since Father’s Day when once again I was the one who drove to Jacksonville so he could see him. On Father’s Day he saw him for a total of about 5 minutes tops. Sad part is Carter didn’t really even want to go… I had to make him go. Last night we were at his house and we sat there for about 15-20 minutes maybe. Dave has 2 cats and both Carter and I are allergic to them. Dave has moved his girlfriend in with him… or I guess I should say fiancée. Yes I guess they are engaged even though he isn’t divorced from his last fling that he married. I really don’t approve of his new girlfriend at all. She has recently been arrested for doing drugs. I don’t care if it is only pot she is doing…. It is illegal. Dave caught her one time doing drugs and he broke up with her. (which surprised me) Supposedly she went to rehab and isn’t doing drugs anymore now. So he took her back. However it will be a cold day in hell before I ever allow Carter to go over there for any kind of overnight visit. Fist of all she smokes cigarettes which Carter is allergic to the smoke, and they have 2 cats which Carter is allergic to. Then there is the fact of the illegal drug problem…. I’m sorry maybe she has kicked the habit, but I have my doubts.

Today is kind of a sad day for me. Nine years ago today I married the man I was so madly in love with. I wanted to start a family with him and to live happily ever after. I really thought it would last forever. Dave and I got married October 7, 2000… As I sit here thinking about how happy I was then I start to tear up a bit. I miss that life… I miss being married, I miss being a complete family. Why did he have to take that from Carter and I??? I know he has said many times that he would take us back now. But then again that would be another cold day in hell for me to put Carter and I through that again. Dave is the one who repeatedly cheated and wasn’t happy in the marriage. I forgave him and took him back to many times…. I will never do that again. Carter and I are surviving just fine without him.

Oh I almost forgot about Carter’s hospital stay. Back in August during the Illinois State Fair Carter had an asthma attack and ended up going to the ER by ambulance and had to stay in the hospital for 3 days. We didn’t even know he had asthma so it was a really scary experience for us. Carter is now on a bunch of meds and doing so much better.

Well that is about all I can think of for right now.

Being honest...

2009-08-11T20:54:00.003-05:00

Being honest isn't always easy, but it is ALWAYS the best thing to do.

As you can tell from my last post I feel a little stuck in my relationship. He is perfect in a lot of ways, but still there is just something missing. He has even thought so too.

I have to be true to myself and I have to be honest with him. I wish I knew what was the right thing to do. I hope and pray that I don't do the wrong thing. I need God to help guide me.

I have told him that I don't want him to ever think I am hiding anything from him or being dishonest in anyway. I don't want to hurt him or mislead him in anyway either. So I have told him that there is someone else I am talking to... we have never met before. However, I started talking to him back in early 2008 when Dave and I first separated. We have recently been in contact with each other again and are continuing the friendship. We have considered actually meeting sometime for dinner.

Some people may say there is no need to tell him unless it goes past just being friends. Well I feel that I need to always be honest. Maybe that is a fault of mine. Maybe I shouldn't have told him. I don't know... I am new to all of this. I just know that if the roles were reversed I would want to know. He knows that I am am confused about "us"... I do care for him very much. I just don't know if he is "the one" or not.

So maybe I have ruined what we had, but I am just being true to myself. I want to find that complete bridge that will take me to the other side to happiness.

Why is dating so hard... I thought it was supposed to be fun and enjoyable.

What to do???

2009-08-05T15:02:00.002-05:00

I feel like I am trying to cross a big ravine on a bridge made out of wood planks. I am half way to safety on the other side, but I can't go all the way because the rest of the wood planks are missing. I am stuck....

Do I give up and go back and start all over??

Do I stay put where I am at and sacrifice my happiness??

I am afraid if I stay and wait the bridge will eventually collapse around me and I won't be able to get out.

UGH....

Learning to Love like you have never been hurt...

2009-07-16T08:27:00.000-05:00

Sometimes you've got to forget the risk and take some chances...
You've got to close your eyes and take the leap....
Because sometimes the fall is worth it all...
The hardest part is learning to Love like you have never been hurt...

Well I took the chance and took the leap… I will keep you posted on if the fall is worth it all!!!

I do have different feelings all the way around this time. I myself have been more open and haven’t held back as much. I told him about what pushed me away the most the last time we dated. I think he is going to work on that issue as it is a personal one for him, but very important in a relationship to have. I talked to him about telling his family the truth about how we met and how it bothered me that he never did. He had told his Mom back when we were dating the last time. However as of right now he has told his Grandma for me, but he still has not told his Aunt. Another thing I have talked to him about was him not being so shy and opening up to me more. There are times I think he is, but I still feel he is holding a lot back. I want him to be open and honest with me. I want him to share his feelings with me and I don’t feel he is… it is a work in progress though (I hope). Last night we talked about finding out who is Father is. To me I would think it would be very important to know that information. One reason is for your own health reasons and secondly if by chance he is “The One” and we do get married and have a child together sometime I would like to know family medical history for both his Mother and Father. I have told him I would help him in any way I could and would be there for him. I told him a little bit about Dave’s experience and how he wished he had found his Dad sooner. Gosh that is a whole topic I could ramble on about. I had sent a letter to Dave’s father’s family and then we received a phone call from Dave’s sister. I can still remember that moment vividly. That was the first time I ever saw Dave cry was when he hung up the phone from talking to her. What an amazing moment for him. The only other time I saw him cry was when his grandfather died.

Anyways… back to Michael and I… I hope and pray that things work this time for us. I couldn’t imagine a sweeter kinder man to be with and to help me raise my son. I hope he works on his personal issue and also on opening up to me more. I want him to show me his feelings. I also know I am not perfect and hope that he can talk to me about what I do that frustrates him. A relationship is based on Honesty, Trust, Respect, Love and Passion. I have asked him every night if he has any questions for me and most of the time he doesn’t. I have put him in the hot seat and given him hundreds of questions and he is so kind to have answered all of them for me. I still have hundreds more!

ugh...

2009-07-08T21:34:00.002-05:00

Why do I doubt my feelings???

Are they real or not???

Why is it so hard???

Second guessing myself and think it might have been a fluke????

UGH.....

4th of July Weekend!!!!

2009-07-06T13:29:00.001-05:00

4th of July weekend

Wow what a weekend!!!

First I must say what a change from last year! I have recently looked back on my past posts. I have really come a long way since last July 4th holiday. I can now say without a doubt that I am so completely over Dave. Yes, I will admit I still have side effects that are lingering and I hope and pray will some day go away. My biggest being the fear of letting someone get to close to me for the fear of getting hurt again. I am also afraid of hurting someone the way that I have been hurt. I am not saying that I would hurt them in the same cheating and manipulative way that I got hurt, but the hurt of losing the one you love. I don’t want to ever see anyone experience that kind of pain. It was the worst thing in my entire life. However….. I have come a long way from those dark days.

Well onto my weekend….

My office closed at 1pm on Thursday so I had a nice long weekend! However, I worked on the ambulance Thursday night covering Jon for class. Since I had earned worst Mommy of the year award on Thursday… I had forgot to take Carter’s car seat into daycare so that he could go on the field trip. Since I forgot he had to go to the baby room while all his friends went to the movies on a field trip…. Yeah bad mommy. So, Friday I took Carter to Kick’s for some fun!!!

Michael the guy that I dated for six months… well as you know we have kept in contact and continued to talk this whole time. Well he wanted to see Carter and I so we were going to get together for lunch or something. Well he ended up inviting Carter and I to go to Riverton Friday night and watch the fireworks. I was a little hesitant on going because I didn’t know how his family would be since I had broke things off with him. Well Carter and I went… We met him at his Grandma’s house. When I saw him I just gave him a big hug. Then his Grandma came outside of their house and we all went to the park to watch the fireworks. I fought back the urges all night to reach over and grab his hand and hold it. I had these feelings all night that kept coming up… Why did I break up with this wonderful guy? How I have missed him… I wanted to lean over and kiss and hug him and never let go. What were these feelings I was feeling?? Where in the heck did they come from?? Where were they back in February when I broke up with him?? Well he took us all to Steak N Shake for milkshakes after the fireworks. Then we headed back to his place so I could get my car. He helped me carry the lawn chairs and Carter’s car seat to my car. I got Carter loaded up and settled. Then he gave me a hug again…. I think I let it slip and told him I missed him and I didn’t ever want to let him go. I gave him a small peck on his neck, but I really wanted to give him a big kiss!! ;-) Anyways… Carter and I then left and went home. Michael and I texted a bit that night and he told me too that he wanted to also kiss me. Oh my… could he still have those kind of feelings for me after what I did to him?

We chatted through text again on Saturday for a bit. I didn’t text or talk to him on Sunday, but he was on my mind all day.

So, now all weekend I have been thinking about him and can’t get him off my mind. Is there something there still?? Where are my feelings coming from and are they real? I wonder if maybe I wasn’t really ready to date back then… maybe it was to soon. What do I do now??? Do I ask him for another chance?? Do I just remain friends and see what happens?? Do I just say hey we broke up for a reason… the same reasons will come back again. I am so full of questions and so confused… I don’t know what to do.

Okay… onto the rest of my weekend. Saturday I took Carter to see Ice Age 3D. (I was still feeling bad for him not being able to see a movie on his class field trip.) We stopped and got some novelty fireworks. Went home and did those in the rain. We played Uno, Go Fish, and Trouble. Then we drove over to Knights to watch fireworks… not as good as the ones we saw Friday night. It had rained all day so the clouds were too low and we couldn’t really see much at all Saturday night. Sunday I slept most of the day away as I didn’t feel well. I think I have developed a bit of a chest cold or something. I didn’t talk to or text Michael all day… but couldn’t get him off my mind either. ;-)

HELP….. What do I do???? I don't think I am ready to reveal my new found feelings to him yet.... I am to scared. I wish life came with a how to guide. ;-)

June 2009 Update....

2009-06-18T11:09:00.000-05:00

Wowsers… I have not updated in a long time. Sorry about that. Between working two jobs, t-ball, swimming lessons and everyday life of being a single mother to a very active 6 yr old I have been a bit busy!!

As I mentioned about Carter is taking swimming lessons again. He doesn’t particularly care for swimming lessons. However, I have told him he has to take them till he can swim from one end of the pool to the other end without help and without stopping. His friends and our neighbors Jacob and Tyler have a swimming pool and I don’t want to worry about him while he is down there swimming. Right now Carter is in the Guppy class at the local YMCA.

Carter is also finishing up his last season of T-ball. Next year he will be in coach pitch. Right now in his t-ball league that he is in plays 3 innings. The first inning is with the tee and then the other two are coach pitch to get them ready to move up to the next league. Carter LOVES coach pitch. The coach pitches usually about 8 balls to them and if they don’t get it then they have to bat off the tee. Well Carter has always been able to hit one of the coach pitches and knocks it out past 2nd base most of the time too!!! I think baseball is in his blood from his father and his side of the family. Carter’s last game is next Tuesday. He is already looking forward to next year being on the coach pitch team!!!

My “baby” will be starting tackle football in July. Yes you read that right… tackle football at the age of 6. Actually he could have played tackle football last year when he was 5. Carter is really excited, however I am scared. He is my “baby”… I don’t want him to get hurt. This is when I really wish he had a father figure in his life to guide him and help him. I don’t know a thing about football. One good thing is Carter’s head football coach is going to be Jacob and Tyler’s Dad Ron. They just live a few houses down from us. Carter is always down there playing so he knows Ron really well. Also, Jacob and Carter will be on the same team….. The Steelers!

Now onto me! As you know, Carter is my main focus in my life. I know I should put myself first at times too, but it a hard thing to do when you are a single parent without the support of the other parent. If I am not working one of my two jobs I am either at swimming lessons, t-ball practice or a game. Just because I am a single parent I don't want to limit him on what he can do so I try to play the role of both Mom and Dad and allow him to participate in a variety of sports. Plus, I like to be able to take him places around town. I want him to have the experiences that he would've had if his father and I were still together. He was not the one who choose to be raised by only his mother.

I do struggle with Carter not having a father figure in his life. Carter is always asking me when I am going to get pregnant again and have a baby. He wants a baby sister or brother so bad. I told him well Mommy isn't married and so I can't have a baby without a Daddy. Then in his logic he is always telling me to ask a guy out and then marry him so we can have a baby! Oh how I wish it were just that simple! ;-)

Now I am on a couple online dating sites, but I am the shy type so I am not aggressively looking at all. I think a lot of it is I am scared of getting hurt again. I have dated about 7 or so guys since Dave and I separated. The only real serious once was Michael. He was an amazing guy and I feel terrible still for letting him go. There were just some things that I just couldn’t get past in the relationship, so I ultimately couldn’t fall head of heels in love with the guy. At times I kick myself in the butt and tell myself I was stupid and petty and lost the best guy in the world. Then people tell me well if the feelings weren’t there then you did the right thing…. Don’t settle. So anyways… I am really thinking about taking my profiles off the sites right now because I am so busy with Carter and work that I don't have much time to commit to a dating relationship. I know I need to find myself happiness and that will show through onto Carter's happiness. But, I am not having any luck in the dating field.... so I figured I would put all my focus on my son as he is the light of my life. I will just continue to pray that God drops my perfect soul mate in my lap someday!

Okay I think I have rambled on enough...

All about me!!!

2009-04-10T11:00:00.003-05:00

All about me!

Well here is a little update on me. I seem to have just been focusing my posts on all the Dave drama lately. Yes that gives us all a good laugh, but I am sure or hope you want to know about me too.

So here it goes…

As you all know I broke up with Michael in February. I really liked him and he was a true genuine guy who would have gone to the end of the earth for me. However, after a little over 6 months I just didn’t feel that great connection or those knock me off my feet butterflies and feelings of falling in love and not being able to live without him. I did and still do really like him and miss him plus there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of him. I couldn’t have ever asked for someone as caring as him. He welcomed me and Carter into his life with open arms. Carter also really liked him. There are times I think I made a mistake by breaking up with him. But, if my feelings for him weren’t there I didn’t want to drag it on any longer and have him possibly fall in love with me and get really hurt in the end. I feel terrible feeling this way, but I think part of my problem was the similarities to Dave and I know that wasn’t fair to Michael. Michael and Dave grew up with the same kind of childhood of not nowing their fathers and basically being raised by their grandmothers. My fear of not having stability again really scares me. I don't want to end up in finacial ruin again.

I have dated a couple other guys who did have really good very well paying jobs and they all owned their own homes. Well I have mentioned Todd whom I dated right after Dave and I separated. Then there was the other Michael I had met on eHarmony. Well the last one I was just dating up till this week his name was Jeff. He was really nice had a very good job as a Director of Strategy. He was divorced, but didn't have any kids. Well that relationship didn't work for me either.

So my main focus as it has always been is Carter. I am going to take a break from dating unless somebody just falls in front of me. There is a firefighter that I just think is too cute so I will just lust after him for now.

Well that is it on me.

Short & Sweet

2009-04-07T10:45:00.002-05:00

Well I found out yesterday that Dave and his wife of less then three weeks will be getting a divorce. I guess she left for work yesterday and didn't say goodbye to him or anything. So he sent her a text asking her if he did something wrong. She said he stresses her and that married life just isn't for her. So now Dave is looking at going back to truck driving again. He told me he did everything right this time and really behaved himself. LOL... what a joke.

Oh and he is now talking to Susie from Baltimore again.

Like I have said before he will never grow up and learn.

At the current time I am swamped at work so I will update on me later!

Carter's visit with his Dad

2009-03-27T09:27:00.003-05:00

So I let Dave take Carter for a little bit on Saturday. I told him he could pick him up around 12. Carter was so excited he wouldn't even go play outside with his friends cause his Dad was coming. So 12 comes and goes.... finally about 1 Dave calls and says he is on his way and will call when he gets on North Cotton Hill Road. He asks to borrow my car seat again and I let him use it and they are gone.

While Carter was gone I went out and bought him 2 beta fish!! They were talking about pets at school and he was sad cause he missed our dog that Dave had kept after we separated and then ended up giving away. So Carter was wanting a pet and I wasn't going to get him a dog or anything like that.... so fish it is!! Plus it was something for me to do while he was gone so I wasn't home crying cause I was worried and missing him.

Anyways... Dave called at 5:15 and wanted to know if I wanted Carter back now I could come and get him, or else if I wanted him to bring him home it would be around 7:30 or so. I said that he could spend some more time with him and 7:30 was fine. He calls again at 6:44 and says "we" are on our way to bring Carter back. Dave again calls me when he is on North Cotton Hill Road so I can be outside waiting for him... don't know why that is... is he afraid to come to the door?? Carter gets out of the car and is walking up towards the house before I make it outside. Carter tells me to come here he wants me to meet Curtis (Dave's girlfriends 10 yr old son) so I walk down the driveway a bit and waved and said hi. Dave was said what are you doing... I said Carter wanted me to meet Curtis. Dave's girlfriend was driving and Curtis was in the seat behind her so I couldn't see either one of them that well as they had just parked in the street and the drivers side was the furthest away.

Once Carter got inside all I asked him was if he had fun. Carter said yeah Curtis and I played outside and played guns. He also said he saw and old grandma. I asked him then if he went to Jacksonville to see Dave's mom of Dave's grandma that is in a nursing home. He said never mind.... I'm not suppose to tell you. So I dropped it.

On Sunday I had to work at Lifestar for a few hours and mom was doing an open house for dad so April was going to watch Carter for a bit. Carter told April that Curtis had told him that his sister was chasing him and he ran into the bathroom to hide and locked the door and tried to call his mom and she wouldn't answer the phone.... then he ran out of the bathroom and into the kitchen and grabbed a knife and chased his sister with it. April told me about that and I debated on asking Carter anything about it and then decided I better cause if something happened to him over at his Dads and I didn't pursue this I would never forgive myself. So I asked Carter and he said that Curtis told him about it and it didn't happen while he was there. So I was a bit relieved, but still concerned about this 10 yr old chasing someone with a knife. So Dave called on Monday and I debated on saying anything to him cause I knew he would get pissed and deny anything like that would happen. But, I decided again that I couldn't forgive myself if I didn't say anything and something were to happen to my baby. So as I was trying to tell the story to Dave before I could even finish he was cutting me off telling me that it didn't happen. I told him to let me finish and that Carter said it didn't happen while he was there, but that it happened a different time. Dave still said that it didn't happen and wouldn't have happened in a condescending voice. I was so mad I just hung up on him. I don't need to listen to him talk to me that way and I was pissed that he believed this 10 yr old child he knew for only 1 week over his own son.

I haven't really heard from him since then... he did text me on Wednesday and asked me what I still had of his besides his real father's Bible and his grandma's picture. I told him I didn't know and I would go look later. I wasn't going to drop what I was doing to go look, but I did later and all I have of his is a laundry basket full of baseball pictures and some pictures of the kids. He had given me all this stuff the last time he left Lisa and moved out before he started truck driving. Pretty sad to think that when he moved in with me in 1999 all he had was a milk crate full of stuff and when we separated and divorced he had a house full of stuff he took. He took a couch, queen size bed, two TV's, DVD player, vcr player, laptop, tons of dishes and kitchen stuff, and a lot more too. Now he is moving in with this girl and all he has is a small laundry basket of stuff and his clothes.

Okay this is an addition....

I posted this original blog around 9 am.... well now it is almost 2pm and I have some news that will blow you away. Are you ready??

3 weeks ago Dave picked a girl named Susie who was the one he decided to exclusivley pursue. On March 12th he came to Spfld for the weekend with his training partner on the big rig truck. He met up again with Angie with one of the girls he met online... well they got married on St. Patrick's Day. Yeah you read that right. They got $**$&#*%& married. So much for picking Susie three weeks ago to be the one.... OMG

Frustrated....

2009-03-16T11:11:00.000-05:00

Well Dave the dead beat dad is now quitting his OTR Trucking job that he has with Prime and going to move back to Springfield. He has met a woman (Angie) online who lives here and she wants him to quit and find a job here. He came into town on Thursday and finally found some time to see his son Saturday night at 9:30 pm for 30 minutes. Then he did see him again on Sunday for about 3 hours. At first thought he wanted me to meet him down town at one of the museums. I told him no that he should come and get Carter and the two of them spend some quality time together. He said well doesn't he still need a car seat. I told him I would let him borrow one of mine. He said he didn't have room that his Angie's back seat was full. I told him to move things around… He said he would get back to me. Well he finally got Carter and told me he was going to take him to Chuck E Cheese. Well when they got back home I found out Dave went and picked up his Angie's 10 yr old son and took them both to go play miniature golf since Angie was working. Carter was so excited to go with his Dad and was also so excited when he came home. He said he and Curtis had a blast. Carter told me that his Dad told him that now on his stay home days he can go spend then night over there with them and Curtis and they can play and have fun. So now 1.5 years later he is wanting his visitation??? What the heck…. Why now… cause there is some woman in the picture who isn't crazy like Lisa was and who would take care of Carter… and wants Carter in the picture. He is going to play the whole Disney land dad thing and it makes me mad. So today he is out looking for a local trucking job and he is going to live with Angie and her kids. She has one that is 10 and he may be the only one that lives at home… I think they rest are older.

One thing that really upset me and I don’t' know why I let it get to me was as Carter, Dave and myself were sitting at Wendy's Saturday night Dave said to me "I am really going to grow up this time" I just looked at him and he said "you don't believe me do you" I told him while trying unsuccessfully to hold back the tears I wish you would have done that for US. Ugh…. Why did I let that get to me, why did I let my emotions show. I don’t' want him back, I am better now so why did that hurt so bad.

I am being selfish, but I don't want to share my son with him and his new family. I don't want to have to let him go over there every other weekend and share holidays. I don't share well…. I know it is what is best for Carter and that he needs his Dad in his life and he was so excited to spend time with him. But damn it… I want him all to myself.

March update

2009-03-09T11:18:00.001-05:00

Hello!

This is going to be just a brief update cause there is not much going on.

As you all know I broke it off with Michael last month. It was hard, but deep down I know it was the right thing to do. He is an amazing man, but I just didn't have the right kind of magical feelings for him. I have talked to him a few times through email and he seems to be doing well… which makes me happy. That was the hardest part about breaking it off with him was worrying about how he would take it and that I would hurt him in the end. I have never ever broken up with anyone. It has ALWAYS been the other way around and I am always the one hurt and wondering why.

I am not seeing anyone at the current time… don't even have anyone I am talking to either. There is one guy that I just dream and have one of those high school crushes on. LOL I don't think I am his type though.

Carter is doing well. He is loving the nicer weather and the ability to get outside and play with his friends. They were outside almost all weekend playing. His school had a fun fair this weekend and Carter had lots of fun. I can't believe that his kindergarten year is almost over. My baby is growing up way to fast… before I know it he will be a senior in high school.

Now when my friend had a psychic party not to long ago the psychic lady told me that I was going to meet someone who's name starts with the letter "J" and that he is my soul mate. She stated that I would get pregnant without having to use fertility treatment and that we would get married too. She told me I would have a baby girl. So anyways… Carter more then one time has told me that he is going to be a big brother and that I am going to have another baby sometime. I've asked him who the daddy of the baby will be and at times he says he doesn't know yet…. Then times he said well my daddy could be the daddy.

Speaking of Carter's daddy… he is still driving a truck. He sent me a text message a little over a week ago and asked me if it would be to awkward for me if he asked me for dating advice. I told him no it would be weird, but I would be okay with it. Basically I was just nosey and wanted to know!! LOL Anyways, He had three women that he was trying to choose between and wanted my opinion on which one he should date more exclusively. I asked him if they all knew about each other and he said no…. I told him that he was going to get himself in trouble if he wasn't careful. He will NEVER change. As hard as it was leaving him I am so thankful now.

It's been awhile…

2009-02-17T09:18:00.000-06:00

It's been awhile…

Well we now into our second month of 2009 and I haven't updated in awhile.

Carter is doing really well in school. They evaluate the kids on their reading ability and at the beginning of kindergarten they are to be around a 0 and by the end of kindergarten they are to be at a 3 and that will have them ready for 1st grade. Well Carter is already at a three and we are just a little past half way through the year. I myself had to have help when I was in grade school so I am VERY proud of him! His report cards have all been very good too.

Last week I finally started getting child support again. I hadn't received any since October 6th. The amount I got last week was the original amount that the judge order, but since he is delinquent by over $2000 he owes me an extra $17 each week until he gets his all his back child support paid off. I have called and am getting the amended withholding order sent to his employer so that I start getting back support too.

Dave is still doing the over the road truck driving and he says he loves it. He still is trying to get me back and says I was his true love and he loves me…. Well it's a little to late now to finally be realizing that. I will always love that man, but don't worry I will never ever take him back.

Michael, Carter and I went to St. Louis for the weekend. We stayed at a hotel for 2 nights and took Carter to the Magic House and to the City Museum. Although Carter says his favorite part was swimming at the hotel. ;-) Besides having a great time and getting away my goal on the trip was to see if spending that much time with Michael would get me those 'I can't live without you' feelings. We have been dating for 6 months and although he is an amazing man to both Carter and myself I just didn't have those kind of feelings for him yet. Well the trip was great, but I still didn't get that great connection or those amazing feelings. My feelings for him are a loving caring kind of friendship feelings instead of a lover type feelings. He new going to St. Louis what my feelings were and what I wanted to try and get out of the trip. I have been nothing but honest with him from the start. So on the way home he asked me if I was still confused and what my feelings were. So I was completely honest with him and told him that he wasn't the one for me. I told him there was nothing he did wrong and that he is a great guy and that I didn't want to hold him back anymore. I hated to have to do it, but know it was the right thing to do. ;-(

2008... Wow, what a year!!

2008-12-30T11:37:00.002-06:00

2008…. Wow, what a year!

(Warning… this is going to be long)

Well who would have ever thought that 2008 would be such a significant year in my life. You see back in 2007 I though that I was happily married, settled down with my husband and our son. Then in November at the end of ’07 I found him looking else where for love… he said I didn’t make him feel like he was my #1. Well let me tell you he was. He and Carter were my life. Boy how that has changed in ’08! Now I live for my wonderful son and myself. My world no longer revolves around him. I no longer have live with a suspicious mind all the time. Yes I do miss having a family of my own and I do miss that fact that Carter’s dad is no longer involved with his daily life. Carter had a really rough time in the beginning, but he has adjusted well now.

So I filed for divorce and it was granted on June 3, 2008. I officially became a single mom. I was granted child support in the amount of $85 a week. Now that doesn’t even cover half of the daycare, school lunches, sports, clothing, insurance and feeding our son. I sporadically received child support payments… I am again in a dry spell and haven’t gotten a payment since October 6th. So trying to raise a child with out any help has been trying at times, but we again are surviving. Thank goodness I still am living at my parents. I honestly wish that I could afford to move out and for Carter and I to have a place we could call our own. It saddens me every day that I myself can’t provide everything for my son… I do thank the Lord above everyday for giving me my wonderful son… he has saved my life. I also thank him for my parents who provide a roof over our heads and their loving support.

Dave has continued to hop from job to job and living arrangements. As of right now he and Lisa are again separated. Just like the many times before he says it’s for good. He has again gone to Spfld, MO to try OTR truck driving. So far he is sticking with it this time. He says he loves it. It is something he always said he wanted to do. Hopefully now I will start getting child support as soon as he is done with training and gets on their payroll.

I myself am still working two jobs. I still work at General Casualty full time and Lifestar Ambulance part time. There is talk of our Springfield branch office of General Casualty being closed. They have gone to an almost paperless environment and everything is going to image right. They have also been consolidating a lot of the jobs into either home office or regional offices. Slowly all of the jobs are being eliminated. It really scares me… what would I do without the insurance, the amount of time off I get and the pay. I couldn’t go somewhere else and start making what I do here. I could always go to Lifestar full time, but the insurance there sucks… and I would be on shift 24 and off 48. That would be hard being a single mom.

Well I thought I was ready to start getting out there in the dating world. I had already been set up by a joint friend with a wonderful guy who worked for the Illinois Secretary of State office in the IT dept. He had never been married and didn’t have any children of his own. He lived in a nice house in the country by Salisbury that had lots of land. He was just getting out of a long relationship with a girl I think he still loved…I too was just getting out of my marriage… actually was still legally married, so things just didn’t work out with us like I wished they had. So I waited some time and then at the end of July I joined some of the online dating sites. I met a really nice guy on eHarmony. He came from a wonderful family who’s parents were still together. He had a great job that he loves working at IEPA as an environmental engineer and was a manager with a bunch of engineers under him. So, he was able to support himself and had a beautiful house with a pool by Washington Park. Sounds great… a lot of the stuff I am looking for in a relationship. Well, we went on only one date and just as I imagined it all seemed to good to be true and work out for me.

I also met a nice guy on Match.com… his name is Michael. Michael works at Lowes Dept Store, and he lives with his Grandma in her house. We went on our first date on August 6th and went to dinner and a movie. After our first date I just didn’t feel a connection to him at all. I told him that I thought maybe I just wasn’t ready to date. We continued to talk and he is the nicest guy I have met in a long time. He is very thoughtful and caring. So I decided to give it another try! I was really scared to let my guard down and face the possibility of falling in love again. I was also scared by the similarities to Dave. Michael and Dave both came from the same kind of childhoods where neither one of them knew their dads growing up, both were raised mainly by their grandmothers. We have continued to see each other and have even went away for a night to St. Louis to see a Cardinals game. I got the tickets from work and I paid for the hotel down there. Michael drove and paid for the gas. It was a nice getaway! I told him though while down there that I still was leery about our relationship. I told him I was scared of letting him get to close because I was afraid of him getting hurt while I am trying to figure out what it is I want. We continued to see each other occasionally and talk or text daily. So here we are coming up on 5 months and I still feel like I don’t know what it is I exactly want. I am still so afraid of hurting him. I don’t want to continue to lead him on and see him get hurt. He truly is one of the nicest guys I have ever met. Why can’t feel this great connection with him. I thought over time it would happen. What is wrong with me??? I finally let him meet Carter and he treats him wonderfully…. I couldn’t ask for anything better. His Grandmother, Aunt, and Mother all have welcomed Carter and I into their lives with open arms. I don’t want to hurt them either. Maybe it's cause we don't spend a lot of time together... since he works at Lowes he has to work alot of nights and weekends, then he has bowling 2 nights a week, then add me working a second job at Lifestar. Plus the fact that he lives at his Grandmothers house and I live at my parents house still we dont' get much alone time. I don't know... Why can’t I decide what it is that is wrong with me. Why don’t I feel this great connection??? He is a wonderful guy… WHY??? I am so scared that maybe we aren't meant for each other and of hurting him in the end.

Well that is about it for now… Not sure how many people read this as I know some have said they lost the link to it, but if you are still reading thank you for toughing it out and reading this entirely to long of a blog entry. ;-)

I hope ya’ all had a very Merry Christmas (Carter and I did) and have a wonderful New Year!!!

Love to all
Michelle

December 3rd update

2008-12-03T15:18:00.001-06:00

December 3rd update

Well as Christmas is getting near I am no where near ready. On my December 12th paycheck I should hopefully have a little extra cash and be able to go buy some gifts. I have bought Carter two things so far! So it isn’t like I haven’t gotten anything…. ;-)

I called the child support division and reported Dave’s new employer to them. They told me they will get an order to withhold out to them in the mail within 24 hrs and hopefully in about 30 days I will start receiving support again. I just hope Dave sticks with this job and doesn’t quit…. I know wishful thinking huh. They did tell me that I will get part of his income tax refund when he files for back child support. They are also tacking interest onto his late payments too.!!!!

Carter was sick on Thanksgiving…. He had 103.3 temp. Then I thought he was getting better and then on Sunday night he was coughing so bad and could hardly breathe. I almost took him into the ER. I kept him home from school on Monday and took him to prompt care. The Dr. listened to him and all she could hear was wheezing and so she said he had to have a nebulizer treatment first so that it would hopefully clear him up so she could listen better. He had that for 5 minutes and then she listened again and he has bronchitis plus and ear infection. So he is on an antibiotic plus an inhaler. He slept a lot better last night!

Well that is about it for now.

Child Support Issues...

2008-11-14T14:18:00.001-06:00

Child Support Issues

Okay well Dave is behind almost $900 in child support for Carter… and the amount grows each week as he is not paying me anything at all. Once it hits $1000 they said they can suspend his driver’s license. I hate for that to have to happen as I know he wants to get into over the road truck driving. But, I need help supporting OUR son. Daycare is $70 a week and if the is out of school for a day then I have to add an additional $15 a day. School lunches are $10 a week. I just signed up for my insurance benefits here at work and the price increased a bunch. Then you add on top of that the sports he is in and food, and clothing… The $85 a week that I am supposed to get doesn’t cover ½ of everything.

So I called the Child Support Enforcement Division. I told them that he is now living in Jacksonville, not sure where. I told them that he is working part time as a fry cook at McDonalds. Oh and that is another thing that ticks me off a bit. He can get a decent job and make good money. Yet, he has chosen to work part time at McDonalds as a fry cook. I am sure that he doesn’t make enough to cover child support for his three child support cases he has got. So I hope and pray that he doesn’t file a petition to get it lowered.

He called me today and told me that he is going to go to Spfld, Mo and try the truck driving school there again. He went there in the beginning of Oct and quit after two days. I told him I couldn’t believe they were even going to let him come back. I asked him why since he told me he hated it there… He said he hates it where he is now even more.

Christmas is going to be really small this year all around.

My father and brother can’t get any of the houses they built to sell so their business is going under. If they end up not selling and going to foreclosure they will also take my parents house as it is collateral for one of the spec houses they built.

The stress of money and things is just really getting to me right now…

1 year later...

2008-11-04T12:44:00.002-06:00

One year ago today is when Dave and I got into a fight about me wanting to go with him to take the kids back to Jacksonville. He told me he needed more "Me Time" and that he thought we needed a break and for me to go stay at my mom and dads. Little did I know then that he wanted more me time cause he was cheating.

I found out on November 10th that he was cheating on me again. My life crashed right before my eyes. I never thought I would survive...

I did survive though! It took a long time. I still remember to this day where I was the first time I realized I hadn't cried yet that day. That was a huge step for me. It took me weeks to get there. My next goal was to go a week without crying.

Now 1 year later I have found that light at the end of the tunnel and climbed out of that dark hole. I am happier now then I have been in a long time.

Yes I do struggle financially now being a single parent and raising Carter on my own. Dave never sees Carter and hasn't provided child support in over a month. So it is very hard to make ends meet, but still I am happy!! Carter is happy too...

As you all know I have met a wonderful guy that I have been seeing for almost 3 months now. I still am taking things slow and haven't introduced him and Carter to each other yet. I think we will be doing that soon though.... sometime this month for sure.

10/15/08 update

2008-10-15T09:53:00.000-05:00

Well it's been awhile since I updated everyone and a lot has happened.

So I will start with my date with the other guy that I had first met on the online dating. His name was also Michael. He is 38 and an Environmental Engineer with the IEPA and was a manager with a bunch of engineers under him. He lived in a really nice house over by Washington park. He had been married before, but never had any children. It all seemed really good… the great job, able to support himself, what seemed like a wonderful family life with a sister and his parents still together! Then he started telling me about his ex wife and how she had to have him committed before…. Uh I don't think I want that.

The other Michael and I are still seeing each other. I am just trying to get over the similarities that he has with Dave. From their names… Dave's was David Michael and Michael's is Michael David. Both of them were raised mostly by their Grandmothers and had a rough life growing up. Neither one of them knew who their Dad's were growing up. Dave's knew who his father was, but his mom withheld information from Dave on where his father was and withheld information from Dave's father. We didn't find out where he was at until his Mother told us his obituary was in the Jacksonville paper and that he had passed away. Michael has no interest in knowing who his father is. So… I am still taking things kind of slow and seeing where things go with Michael and I. I am just scared of falling in Love again and getting hurt again. Cause Dave seemed wonderful and really nice in the beginning too.

Okay… well on to what is new with Dave.

Dave either quit his job or got fired about 3 weeks ago. Last week he called me to Decatur to get some of my stuff that I wanted back cause he was leaving Lisa AGAIN. So I left and headed to Decatur…. On my way there he calls and says the cops are there and aren't letting him take anything out of the apt that is over $50. So that meant I couldn’t' get my TV's back or my microwave. I ended up meeting Dave at a grocery store parking lot and loading my van up with all of Dave's clothes and pictures and other stuff that he did take. Dave took his pay by the week car back to the apt so Lisa could have it. I took Dave to a hotel in Springfield to stay the night as the next afternoon he was getting on a bus to go to Spfld, MO to start trucking school. Well that lasted all of two days…. He called me begging for $350 to get his apt back and he quit the trucking thing cause he said he hated it. Well I told him I didn't have the money nor did my parents. I called his Mom Mary and Stepdad Garry and left them a message about his predicament. Well I didn't hear back from Dave at all on that Thursday and he wouldn't return my phone calls and I was worried that maybe he did something stupid like taking his own life. So I called his mom's and talked to Garry. He said that his mom had gotten on him about how old he was and what he was doing with his life. Garry said that he was getting on a bus Wed night and would have been back in Spfld on Thur morning. I said well I assume he is back with Lisa again cause when he is with her he doesn't answer my phone calls or return them. I told Garry that I know we are divorced, but I do still care and worry about Dave. Garry said he didn't know we were divorced…. He thought it was just a trial separation. I said no our divorce has been final since June. He also didn't know Dave and Lisa were still together. I said yes they have been on and off since December. She is a drunk and he keeps leaving her, but always goes back.

On Saturday Dave called me and wanted to know what Carter and I were doing and if we wanted to go with him to Jacksonville to see his Grandma who isn't doing well and he said he needed to find something. I said a job or place to live. He said both. He said that him and Lisa were staying at a hotel and she had written a check for it and it bounced so they were both homeless now. I said what about your apt… he said he lost it. I said what about all your stuff inside… he said it's gone. I said my TV's and everything. He got pissed and said nice to know you are worried more about your TV's then you are me. He hung up telling me that he still loved me. Then on this past Sunday Carter and I went to stepson Michael's football game here is Spfld. I was sitting there next to Tabitha and Becky said I just wanted to let you know that Dave said he was going to come. She said that he has said that many times and never showed up. So I texted Dave and told him that Carter and I were at the game and asked him if he was coming and if he was bringing Lisa. He texted me back and said yep. I texted him again and asked him when he was going to be there… and got no reply. So I packed Carter up and we were leaving. As we were walking back to my van Dave and Lisa were waling up to the game. Dave yelled over at Carter… Carter stopped and asked me who that was. Dave was about 20-30 feet away. I told Carter that is your Dad. Carter said oh Hi and then started walking again. Dave called him over to where he and Lisa were. Carter said to Lisa oh I know you… you are from my old school. Oh I was so pissed… Dave knows very well how I feel about Carter seeing him and his old teacher together… and the fact that she is a drunk and not stable. Ugh… Well I got a text message from Dave that night that said he was sorry about earlier, but he was just so excited to see Carter. I said well you know how I feel about her seeing our son and I was not happy. He then said well Becky invited me… I said yeah she invited you NOT Lisa. That is the last I have heard from him and that was Sunday evening.

UGH… he frustrates me so. I am so glad I stayed strong and never gave into his begging me to take him back. He will never grow up and learn. I supported him for almost 10 years and ruined my credit doing so… I am done. I don't ever want to have a man that I have to support. I want one who can keep a job… and not quit every time he gets mad and says he doesn't like it anymore. I want a man who know how to handle money and not blow if frivolously. I want a man who won't lie to me all the time. I want a man who will never cheat on me. I think I deserve that.. I deserve better then what Dave gave me.

Carter starts Hockey tonight!!!

Dating is so confusing…

2008-10-01T13:56:00.000-05:00

Dating is so confusing…

Well as all of know I met Michael and we went on our first date on August 6th. After our first date I didn't really feel any connection to him. I thought maybe I was just not ready to date yet. So I ended up telling him I wasn't ready to date yet…. We continued to stay in touch and then I decided to give it another try and not in a date setting so I met him at the bowling alley while he was bowling on his league. It was still awkward, but better I thought. He is super sweet and nice to me…. Something that you all know I am not used to. Well we continued to see each other every once in awhile and this past weekend we went to St. Louis to a ball game. It was nice to get away just the two of us and not have others around… as he lives with his grandma so we haven't really been able to just spend one on one time with each other. So this weekend in St. Louis was nice. However, I am still so confused about things…. I told him I don’t' want to hurt him and I am really scared and not sure exactly what it is I want. I told him that he is the first one I have really dated since my divorce and I don't want to just settle for the first guy that is nice to me. Don't get me wrong he is a good guy and all… But I just feel like I am still missing something.

So… there is another guy that I actually started talking to before Michael. We started talking the very first day I signed up for online dating… he was my very first match!!! He was kind of seeing someone else at the time though and wanted to really see where that relationship was going to go for them. So we just continued to occasionally stay in contact. Well things didn't work out between the two of them and we have decided to meet! I am really excited to meet him…. As we seem to have a lot in common!

Now I have told both of them about the other as I won't lie or hide anything from either one. But, I am so confused as to what it is that I really want… I never knew dating would be so tough and confusing.

Also... can you beleive it has almost been a year since Dave and I seperated. We seperated on November 5, 2007.

New Update...

2008-09-22T16:06:00.000-05:00

Well I am sure non of you will be surprised…. Dave is again back with Lisa. I do worry about him because I know she is not stable. He is know talking again about getting into trucking.

Anyways…. About Carter and I !!!

Carter is loving kindergarten!!! I have parent teacher conference with his teacher Mrs. Pickett this Thursday. I am really excited to see how she thinks he is doing. I have signed him up for a divorce support group at his school. He will be grouped with other kids his age! I hope it helps him. I don't think he fully understands the whole thing… and since my parents are still together I have no idea how to explain it to him..

I am still seeing Michael. He still seems really nice. However, I am still so leery of letting my guard down and falling in love again. I don't want to get hurt again… I don't want to be lied to again. I am also afraid of letting him get to close and possibly falling in love with me cause I don’t' want to end up hurting him. I know the pain of losing someone you love. I don't want anyone to ever have to endure that kind of pain and agony.

I did get some free Cardinal tickets to Sunday's game from work for all of my hard work!!! So Michael and I are going to go down there on Saturday and spend some time in St. Louis and then spend the night and go to the game on Sunday!! I am really looking forward to spending this time with him.

Karma...

2008-09-11T09:24:00.000-05:00

Well let me start with I was on a date with Michael again this past Saturday we went to dinner first then went and watched his cousin play football, and then went back and rented some movies to watch. I had a really good time!! But while we were sitting watching a movie Dave called to tell Carter goodnight. Well I haven't told Dave that I was seeing anyone…. So when he asked if Carter was around I had to tell him I was on a date and he would have to call home if he wanted to tell Carter goodnight. So then on I believe it was Monday Dave called me and he has had to call the cops on Lisa cause she is going crazy… she said she is going to trash everything in his apt and kill his bird…. She also quit her job that morning cause she said she was better then that. Well then on Tuesday Dave went again to the police dept to file another report and to see how to get her out of his apt. They said he has to file a 5 day eviction notice to get her out since she is refusing to leave. I guess he went back home and she was threatening him that she was going to have someone come over and kill him while he was sleeping. So he once again called the police and filed another report. They told him he needed to get out and go stay with someone or go and get a hotel or they could see if there was a homeless shelter he could stay at. They told him to file an order of protection against her and she will be served with it on Friday and she will have to get out. So he came to Springfield to stay. So for the first time in over 2 months Carter got to see his Dad last night. I took him by the hotel and we stayed for about 30 minutes.

He THOUGHT the grass was greener

2008-09-03T09:11:00.000-05:00

Well Dave thought the grass was greener ont he other side and ventured away from his marraige and his family.

Now he has gotten his truck repo'd. He has collections out the wazzoo.... His lovely girlfriend has already had her car repo'd before they got back together this last time. So they have no trasportation. I do feel for him, but he dug his own hole that he is in now. I bailed him out and helped him stay afloat for 10 years. But get this... he had the nerve to ask me for money to help him and her get his truck back. Ugh... I don't think so.

Kindergarten and other stuff

2008-08-19T08:35:00.000-05:00

Well I have sent my "Baby" off to kindergarten. Yesterday was the first day of school, however it was just a half day. The kindergarteners didn't have to be there until 9 am and the parents had to take them! I took Carter and we went to his classroom and his teacher Mrs. Pickett talked and put on a power point presentation. Then at 9:30 the kids all gathered around the teacher and the parents went to the cafeteria for a meeting with the principal. Then after that we went back to the classroom and picked up our little ones. I then took Carter back to daycare for the rest of the day. Carter loved it!!!! I did good to, I didn't shed a tear. However, today is the first FULL day of kindergarten and the first day for Carter to ride the school bus. Normally I will drop Carter off at daycare at 6:30 am as I have to be at work at 7 am and he will get on the bus at daycare about 7:35 and will also drop him off there after school at 3:30. Today I wanted to get pictures of Carter getting on the bus so I took him to daycare at 7:30 and waited and watched him get on the bus. Last night he was so worried about getting on the wrong bus and forgetting what bus number he was. He did great today…. He didn't shed a tear. Mommy on the other hand held it together until after he got on the bus…. Then I lost it… I cried. He is my "Baby"…. Today can't get over soon enough. I can't wait to pick him up from daycare tonight and find out how his day was at kindergarten!

Dave still hasn't seen Carter since July 11th when I took Carter and dropped him off at McDonalds to see his dad. Dave spent about an hour with him and then brought him back home. Dave didn't even call to see how his first day of kindergarten went. I had Carter call him, but he had to leave a message cause Dave didn't answer his phone.

Carter has started up soccer and t-ball again for the fall. His first t-ball game is this Wednesday, and his first soccer game in this Saturday.

I had a date about a week ago! His name is Michael. He was really nice and super sweet, however I didn't really feel any connection at all with him. I told him I just didn't think I was ready to date. However I have decided to see him once again in a different setting besides a "date setting". So I am going to stop by the bowling alley tonight while he is playing on his league and see him.

Well that is it for now.

trying to move on

2008-07-27T18:39:00.000-05:00

Why is it so hard for me to move on? Why have I sat at home all weekend and done nothing but think about Dave. I know he isn't good for me so why do I miss him so? I know I need to forgive him in order to move on. How do you forgive someone for ruining your life? Why am I over 8 months into this and still missing him and still trying to get over him. He obviously has moved on and gotten over me cause he has Lisa living with him. She is the one that was Carter's daycare teacher. I bet they get married within 6 months to a year.

I wanna be happy again. I know I have my son and he does make me happy, but I want someone to talk to and to tell them how my day was and for them to do the same. My best friend lives in GA and she is so busy with her husband, kids and being pregnant again she doesn't have the time to talk, plus I think she is getting tired of listening to me.

I don't feel like anyone understands....

I am trying to move one and I just can't get him out of my mind. Why do I miss someone who treated me so bad so much it hurts. Which was worse.... living with him and not trusting him or living with out him and being lonely? I really don't know anymore.

WHY??

And once again...

2008-07-14T13:03:00.000-05:00

Well today is Monday July 14th. Dave was supposed to get Carter and Michael on Saturday and I was to pick Carter up in Decatur on Sunday. Well Dave called Saturday and said that he was having truck problems and wouldn't be able to get the kids to stay over night. However he was in Springfield and wated me to bring Carter to McDonalds so he could see him. I had already made plans to work at Lifestar for the night since I thought Carter was going to be at his dad's. So I dropped Carter off at McD's and Dave said he would take him back to my mom and dad.

I sent him a text that Sat night to make sure he made it back to Decatur okay and he said yeah and that he was sleeping... this was early and I thought it was weird that he would already be sleeping.

When I talked to my mom she said that Dave had called to tell Carter goodnight and that she also asked Dave if he made it home okay. He said yes and that his truck is fixed. He said he stopped at auto zone and it was the fuel filter or something like that and that the person there changed it for him since he didn't have the tools. (yeah... whatever)

So anyways... onto today.

I was sitting at Target on my lunch today and I got a the following Text message from Dave.
"Lisa is back around, thought you would want to know."

Now he is just as crazy as she is for continuing to take him back time after time.

I really worry about Carter spending time with them. IT just kills me. UGH,.........

July 12th

2008-07-12T14:47:00.000-05:00

Well I guess Dave took Lisa back to the airport on Tuesday or Wednesday. Supposedly she is going back to AZ to marry some guy because he told her that she would never have to work again if she married him. Is she crazy or what?? lol ;-)

I am so relieved that she isn't in Dave's life anymore because that means that she will not be involved in Carter's life. That is what really scared me.

Dave is getting Carter tonight to spend the night with him.

As for me I worked last night at Lifestar and got off this morning around 10 am. Right now Carter is at a friends birthday party. After Dave picks Carter up I am going back into work at 7:30 pm and will get off at 7:30 am tomorrow.

Some people think I am crazy working so much, but I love working on the ambulance. I get paid to drive and ambulance around and help people in thier most desperate time of need. Can you think of anything better then that??? I love it!! Plus the money is nice too! :-)

Back at square one...

2008-07-07T06:18:00.000-05:00

I am back at square one... the crying the pain. It all sucks.

I know I let myself get close to my ex again. Things were going well. We were getting along great... he has been begging me to take him back for the past 5 months. I was really doubting if I did the right thing by going through with the divorce.

Now this past Thursday he went to go pick up the girl that he was with before... our sons daycare teacher. Now she is living with him again.

Why do I set myself up to get hurt over and over again.

I am such a fool.

4th of July

2008-07-04T20:12:00.000-05:00

Well, I sit here all alone on July 4th remembering how we used to celebrate this holiday as a family. I miss my family, I miss my life.... Oh how I hate holidays now.

I have been officially divorced since June 3rd so a little over a month and it still hurts like heck all the time.

Dave called me last night to tell me he was going to St. Louis to pick Lisa up from the airport. Now Lisa is the woman that used to be Carter's daycare teacher that Dave had lived with for a bit. Well I guess now they must be getting back together. Imagine that... when just two days ago he was telling me that he still wanted me to take him back.

Daily I ask myself if I have done the right thing. Should I have given him another chance??

DIVORCE SUCKS and I HATE being alone on holidays... they are the worst.

Inspirations

2008-05-15T13:48:00.001-05:00

Inspirations

Just in a bit of a rambling mood…

On my divorce support online forum the question was asked what or who inspires you… So I have asked myself that question and my answer is CARTER!

Carter my son is what inspires me the most. I love that boy more then I ever thought it would be possible to love anyone. I honestly am scared to wonder where I would be right now if it weren't for him. He is my inspiration that has kept me alive during this divorce process.

Other inspiring people in my life are of course GOD, my parents, the rest of my family and all of my friends whether they are online or real life friends.

Court...

2008-05-07T21:20:00.000-05:00

Well I am still married...

The judge would not grant the divorce with the visitation set up the way Dave wanted it. He wanted it to say that visitation would just be agreed upon between us. The judge said there has to be some sort of mandated visitation schedule. We don't have to follow it and can add days to it as we see fit. So my lawyer is drafting up the papers again to change the visitation to what we originally had that Dave wouldn't agree to.

Dave told the judge again that he had a problem with not allowing our son around a boyfriend or girlfriend until said person was in a continuous relationship with them for at least 6 months. Dave stated that if he got a girlfriend and moved in with her in say 3 months would that stop his visitation. The judge said it wouldn't per say stop the visitations, but it would stop the overnight visits. So now it is just no overnights with the new significant other for at least they are together for 6 straight months.

The judge wouldn't grant the first right of refusal either. Which is where if either Dave or I couldn't watch Carter during our period of time with him that we would first have to contact the other parent before we found alternative care. The judge said only if it is going to be longer them 48 hours.

So now we are just waiting on my lawyer to draft up the new papers and mail them to Dave to sign, and them mail them to me to sign before she can resubmit them to the court.

Court Tomorrow

2008-05-05T12:53:00.000-05:00

Well I have court tomorrow at 9 am. I think this is going to be our final court appearance and everything should be final.

It is scary to think that tomorrow I am going to be divorced. It is really sad to think that my hopes and dreams I had for 10 years are really over for good.

I am so nervous.

My head is spinning and I am so SCARED

2008-04-09T11:30:00.001-05:00

My head is spinning… And I am so scared.

I have gotten my final court date to finish my divorce. Then it will all be FINAL… Why does that scare the crap out of me? Why do I doubt myself that I am doing the right thing? Yes I do still love him and always will as he is the father of my one and only child.

I won’t get into my whole story again, but for those of you that don’t know it here is my original post about my story. http://www.divorcesupport.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=0&Board=After&Number=156281&fpart=&PHPSESSID=

Now my Dave is not with any woman and hasn’t been since the end of January beginning of February. He has been nice to me and wanting me back since then. He says he has realized he messed up. However I don’t think I could ever trust him again. A marriage is based on trust… if you don’t have it a marriage won’t survive. In the back of my head I wonder if he just wants me back to help him get back out of debt like I did when we first met, or just want me back till the next girl comes along. Then I think maybe possibly he has learned his lesson this time, maybe he will change. I have come sooo far, do I risk it all again? Another thing he keeps telling me is that I need to stop listening to my friends and family and do what I want to do. My heart is thinking give him another chance. My brain is saying… what, are you a fool, don’t trust him again. I know my family and friends would be let down and hurt them selves if I took him back, but eventually they would stand behind me as it is my life and my decision. They along with all of you have been my support through all of this and they see him for what he really is and don’t have the emotional heart strings attached.

I am so tired of being lonely. I do miss him, but there is a lot I don’t miss. I wonder if I just miss the dream of what I thought we had or could have had. I am so scared that nobody will ever understand me like he did. I am afraid that I won’t find someone to make me happy, make me smile, to make me feel special, needed and wanted. My biggest fear all my life has been being alone. I don’t want to grow old by myself.

I am SCARED.

Michelle

Well what is new with me???

2008-03-27T09:26:00.001-05:00

NOTHING!!!!

Isn’t that exciting! lol

Same stuff is still going on, but I will update ya all again!

~ My lawyer has drafted the final papers and is going to be sending them to Dave. We are filing on the grounds of mental cruelty since we haven’t been separated 6 months yet. She said that what he did is definitely grounds for mental cruelty.

~ Dave hasn’t paid me any child support since February 11th. My lawyer has sent him another order of withholding to his new job there at Long John Silvers. Since he is the general manager he is the one who got the order in the mail…. Boy was he pissed.

~ Carter is doing good! He is really getting excited about Kindergarten.

~ Dave is still saying he is wanting me back. However I know he is out on dating web sites looking for women. So he must not want me back that bad. lol

Well that is about it.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Easter.

Michelle

Hello!!!

2008-02-26T09:09:00.001-06:00

Well I am sorry it has been about a month since my last update. I know of I think 2 people who do read this blog. So here is your update on Carter, Me and my divorce.

Carter is doing alot better. He finally stopped pooping his pants. Thank goodness!!! It was getting very frustrating.

I am doing really well... I never thought I would get here or get to this place this fast. I still have bad days... and bad dreams. But, they are fewer and farther apart! I could even tell you the last time I cried over this situation. ;-)

Well Dave has gone from living in Taylorville, to living at Lisa's, to staying at a hotel, to know he has an apt in Springfield. He quit his job at Sutton's and him and Lisa were going to be over the road truck drivers for Schneider. Well that didn't work out. Dave finally realized Lisa was a crazy *&%$# and he left her and got what he could out of her house. He had to call the police cause she was acting crazy. I did help him get a hotel and allowed for Carter to stay with him there. Dave stayed at the hotel for about a week and then found an apt in Spfld. He got a job being a manager at Long John Silver, he has his own store in Decatur. He is still working part time at Sutton's... but hasn't gotten called for any hours yet.

It is so nice that Dave is seeing his children again. He has gotten Michael a few times, Tabitha doesn't want to come. He sees Carter quite a bit now!! I think that may have helped with our pooping in our pants situation.

Dave says that he has realized that he messed up... He says he now realizes how good he had it. He says he is going to win me back. He keeps asking me when I will move back in with him. I have told him that I have not gotten the trust back.... and not sure if I ever will. I told him that I am not saying that maybe sometime down the road... maybe years... maybe never... that I may be able to forgive him and get that trust back. But, right now I don't and can't. I will always love him, and always care very deeply about him, but I can not trust him with my heart again. He has broken my heart and my trust more then once and I don't think I will ever mend that trust or my broken heart. He betrayed me... he lied to me... over and over again.

We do talk everyday now and I hope and pray that he doesn't go back to Lisa. I know he will find someone and I hope he does, but I just pray it isn't Lisa.... she isn't good for him or for our son.

Oh... I almost forgot. Dave did talk to Lisa about a week or two ago to see if he could get the rest of his stuff. She said she burned it all. Nice huh.

Well that is about it...

Thank you for reading and please keep in touch.

Michelle

update

2008-01-28T09:12:00.000-06:00

Okay I have been really busy so I have just copied and pasted what I keep in my divorce calendar on here.

Carter and I did fly out to Atlanta to see my best friend and her kids and husband last week. It was really nice. I needed the little get away.

So here is the latest in my divorce....

Smith vs Smith
1Tue
Dave called and wanted Carter and I to come over for dinner. I needed to have him sign a check so we drove to Taylorville for dinner. We had dinner and were just sitting around enjoying the time together. Lisa called three times. Dave was talking to her and telling her I was outside with the dog when I was actually sitting on the couch. She was wanting to come over. She told him that we (Carter and I) needed to get out of thier house. I could tell Dave wanted us to leave so Carter and I left. Dave said he didn't think she was going to come over. Well as I was leaving she drove past me. So I turned around and pulled back into his driveway behind her. I asked her what she had to say. She said nothing. I said so everything I told CJ was a lie and she said no. I said so everything you told CJ was a lie and she said yes... they have been dating. I said you told me your brother was a minister and what Dave was doing was adultry and wrong. I said so what you are doing isn't adultry and wrong. She said well you guys are getting a divorce. I called her a few expicit names and was walking away when Carter got out of the van. I said look who is at Daddy's house. Carter said hi to his teacher and we left.

2Wed
Lisa didn't show up for work at Pleasant Run... supposedly quit or got fired.

Dave's 24 hour shift at Suttons.

3Thu
Dave did not get Carter. Dave moved Lisa into his house.

4Fri
Dave called at 8:39 to tell Carter good night.

5Sat
Dave called at 9:40 to tell Carter good night.

Dave's 24 hour shift at Suttons.

6Sun
Dave called at 9:12 to tell Carter good night.

Dave did not get Carter.

7Mon
Dave called at 9:24 to tell Carter good night.

Court to set Child support. Dave told Judge that he couldn't afford child support amount that my lawyer wanted. Then told Judge that he has a problem with visitation. He said since I caused his girlfriend to loose her job that they now have to move in together to make ends meet. So our agreement of him not bringing our son around any of his girlfriends till they were together for at least 6 months wasn't working. No child support or visitation was set up.

8Tue
Dave called at 9:01 to tell Carter good night.

Dave's 24 hour shift at Suttons.

9Wed
Dave called at 9:23 to tell Carter good night.

Dave did not get Carter.

10Thu
Dave did not call and tell Carter good night.I took Carter to see a counselor Dr. Appleton.

11Fri
Dave called at 9:12 and told Carter good night.

Dave's 24 hour shift at Suttons.

12Sat
Dave was moving back to Springfield and in with Lisa. Won't give me the address. Dave did not get Carter. Dave called at 9:45 to tell Carter good night and Carter was already asleep.

13Sun
Dave called at 9:25 and told Carter good night.

14Mon
Dave 24 hours shift at Suttons.

7:36 pm Dave sent me the following text message.Can u watch Nitro 4 a few days so I can find him a new place8:04 pm I sent him the following text messageAfter serious consideration I have to say no. It would be to hard on Carter and myself to get attached to ol Nitro buddy again. Animal protective league will take him back if u can’t find a good owner. I had Carter call Dave at 8:44 pm to tell him good night cause I was getting ready to get in the shower and didn’t want Carter to miss his phone call while I was in the shower. Dave said he wanted to take Carter to McDonalds either Tuesday or Wednesday. I said well just let me know. Then I sent him the following text message at 8:54 pmMichelle ~ Will you be taking him to dinner by yourself?Dave ~ Have no ideaMichelle ~ Did you get my email about what his counselor saidDave ~ yepMichelle ~ Okay as long as you are aware and know what is in the best interest of our son.Dave ~ I have no idea what u just saidMichelle ~ As long as you know that the counselor does not think it is a good idea for Carter to be around Lisa. That it would be in the best interest of our son if you did not bring her around him.

15Tue
Dave did not get Carter. Dave called at 9:01 to tell him good night.Found out I am getting $85 a week for child support. That covers half of daycare and then doesn't even cover all of dave's insurance premium that I am paying for him. I still pay part of Dave's and all of Carter's ins prem plus any expenses to raise, clothe, and feed Carter.

16Wed
I took Carter to Memorial’s Urgent Care because he was complaining of a sore throat. Dave had said that he wanted to get Carter either Tuesday or Wednesday and he didn’t get him Tuesday night so I sent him a text message that said I had Carter at the dr. cause I thought he had strep throat. I got no response back from him. Dave called at 8:30 pm to tell Carter good night. I informed him that Carter did have strep throat.

17Thu
Dave called at 10:15 am and wanted to know when we were leaving for Atlanta. He wanted us to call when we got to the Bloomington airport. We called Dave at 1:23 from the airport. Dave called at 9:54 pm to tell Carter good night.Dave’s 24 hour shift at Sutton’s

18Fri
Dave called to tell Carter goodnight at 9:48 pm

19Sat
Dave called to tell Carter goodnight at 10:11 pm

20Sun
I got the following text at 5:30 in the morning in Atlanta from Dave. “Please take me back”I did not respond to it. Dave then called me at 9:38 am and I missed the call. I called him back at 9:50 am. He said he was at Quick N Ez reading the newspaper trying to find a place to stay. He said he and Lisa were over. He said she wouldn’t take him to work so he had to call in sick. He called me a couple different times during the day crying. One of the times he said he had to call the Sangamon county Sheriff’s dept out to her house cause she was hitting him and throwing stuff at him when he was there trying to pick up some clothes. He also called and said one time that he was driving around SJH thinking about going in and committing himself cause he felt like killing himself. We called Dave at 9:13 pm to tell him good night and he didn’t answer his phone. He called us back at 9:16 pm to say goodnight. He sounded totally different then he did earlier. I asked him if he was back with Lisa and he didn’t answer me. I asked again and he hung up on me.

21Mon
Dave called at 10:18 pm to tell Carter goodnight.

22Tue
No phone call at all.

23Wed
Talked to Dave a couple times… I went to Taylorville with my mom and Carter to pick up some stuff from Dave’s old house he lived in and didn’t take with him when he moved into Lisa’s. I was going to take Carter by to see him, but he said he was busy at work.Dave’s 24 hr shift at Sutton’sDave said he is applying to work at Schnieders.

24Thu
Lisa picked Dave up from work. Dave called me at 3:25 and wanted to know if I would meet him at McDonalds in Capital City so he could see Carter. I said fine. I met him there and bought him and Carter dinner. Dave told me that Lisa was going to go with him to WI and was applying at Schnieder too so that they could work together as a team. He says it is all part of his plan to get his stuff out of her house and he said that she won’t last being a truck driver. He said he wants me to go on one of his trips with him. Dave told Carter he would call him and tell him good night. I asked him if he was going to stay at Lisa’s or at Pioneer motel? He said he didn’t know. I didn’t understand why if he paid $150 to stay at a hotel and said he was done with lisa why he was still staying there.Dave did NOT call Carter and tell him good night.

25Fri
Dave called at 9:22 to tell Carter goodnight. Dave told me to call him on Saturday, but after 7 am so that Lisa wouldn't know I was calling.

26Sat
Dave's 24 hr shift at Suttons

Dave wanted me to call hotels to see what the weekly rates were. I didn't even ask him why. I just figured that him and lisa were fighting again.Dave called at 9:05 to tell Carter good night.

27Sun
Dave called at 9:17 to tell Carter goodnight.

Child Support

2008-01-15T15:19:00.001-06:00

Okay so I found out today that I get $85 a week for child support.

Daycare alone is $140 a week. $70 for each of us.
Dave's Insurance premium that I am paying is $16.69 a week.

So basically I am getting half of daycare paid for and then not even all of Dave's insurance premium. Yes I have checked into dropping him from my insurance, but my company does not allow you to drop or change your insurance unless there is a life changing event. Divorce is one, but the divorce has to be final in order to get the insurance changed.

So now I am paying for part of Dave's premium.... all of Carter.... and everything else it costs me to raise our son.

He wins once again.

I hate this.

He may see his son for the first time in 2 weeks.

2008-01-15T07:40:00.000-06:00

Okay here is what happened last night. He wants me to take Nitro our dog cause he just moved in with his girlfriend and she can't have pets at her place.

7:36 pm Dave sent me the following text message.
Can u watch Nitro 4 a few days so I can find him a new place

8:04 pm I sent him the following text message
After serious consideration I have to say no. It would be to hard on Carter and myself to get attached to ol Nitro buddy again. Animal protective league will take him back if u can’t find a good owner.

I had Carter call Dave at 8:44 pm to tell him good night cause I was getting ready to get in the shower and didn’t want Carter to miss his phone call while I was in the shower. Dave said he wanted to take Carter to McDonalds either Tuesday or Wednesday. I said well just let me know.

Then I sent him the following text message at 8:54 pm
Michelle ~ Will you be taking him to dinner by yourself?

Dave ~ Have no idea

Michelle ~ Did you get my email about what his counselor said

Dave ~ yep

Michelle ~ Okay as long as you are aware and know what is in the best interest of our son.

Dave ~ I have no idea what u just said

Michelle ~ As long as you know that the counselor does not think it is a good idea for Carter to be around Lisa. That it would be in the best interest of our son if you did not bring her around him.

Now I didn't get any response back from that last text message.

Dave has not seen Carter since January 1st when I took Carter over to his house for about an hour. So, I hope that he does get him for dinner, but I also hope that he doesn't bring his girlfriend.

ALONE...

2008-01-14T11:15:00.001-06:00

The past two nights I have been dreaming about Dave and being back together with him. I do miss him. But, I could never go back to him after all the infidelity ~ Adultery that has gone on with him.

I am so tired of being alone. It is lonely and sad. I sit and I think about how he is now living with his girlfriend. How happy they are and how much fun they must be having.... how she is now living what should be my life. IT SUCKS. I HATE IT.

Oh how I wish Dave would have taken our wedding vows seriously like I did. Why did he have to venture out.... he said he didn't feel that he was my number 1. Him and Carter were my life.

I want to be happy again. I want a family again. All of this just isn't fair. Why does he keep winning and getting everything he wants.

I need to get away.....

UGH.....

2008-01-10T07:34:00.001-06:00

Okay I have decided that I need to take Carter to see a counselor. He had been potty trained since he was 2. Now he is pooping his pants a couple times a day since this separation/divorce has started. He still tells me that he wants mommy and daddy to love back to each other. He is acting out at home. So I have made an appointment to take him to see a counselor. Our appt is today. I hope she is able to help him and help me explain things to him.

So I knew that I had to tell Dave that I was taking him to see a counselor. I didn’t want to call and talk to him so I sent him a text message. Here are the corresponding text messages from yesterday.

Michelle ~ Just wanted you to know I am taking Carter to a counselor tomorrow.

Dave ~ Y

Michelle ~ He is still having a hard time adjusting. He is still pooping his pants. He even did it at your house when you had him and Mike, but he said he just pulled up his pants cause he was scared to tell you. He still doesn’t get why we are not together or getting back together and now you are living with his old daycare teacher.

Dave ~ He seems happy, maybe it is U

Michelle ~ I have not told him about you and Lisa yet. It was suggested to me to take him by his daycare. He still tells me he wants us to love back to each other. This can only help him.

Dave ~ I will help what I can

He thinks he knows what is going on with our son. Since we have been separated on November 5th he has only had Carter overnight 5 times, and only one of those was for more then 24 hours and that is cause I was working a 24 hour shift. The other times he has gotten him it was to take him bowling and then I would pick him up from the bowling alley when I got off work at 3:30. So he would only have him about 1.5 hours. Another time he picked him up and just to him to McDonalds to eat and brought him back.

Of course Carter seems happy when he is with Dave. Cause either he is taking him to do something fun, or if he is staying the night Michael is there to play with him. Oh and he hasn’t gotten his daughter since we were together and last got both Michael and Tabitha in October.

Court sucked....

2008-01-07T15:49:00.000-06:00

Okay so went to court today… and it sucked.

My lawyer tried to talk to my stbx (soon to be ex) before we went in front of the judge to see if he would agree to child support so that we wouldn’t have to see the judge. Well he didn’t.

My lawyer wanted him to pay me the following
½ of our son’s daycare
½ of our son’s medical insurance
All of stbx’s medical ins since he is still on my insurance
Then 20% of what was left of his income.

Reasonable???

Judge says NO.

My stbx said that he can’t afford that. He said he just enrolled into our local community college to better himself and because of that he will be occasionally missing work and his paycheck will go down. Plus he already pays child support to one of his other ex wives and paying that to me wouldn’t leave him with any money to live on.

So the judge said that he can’t make him pay all of that when he can’t afford it. He said he will review everything and get back to us by the end of the week.

Then my *%&%*#$ stbx said that he now has a problem with our visitation. He said that since I caused his girlfriend to lose her job cause I threatened to go to the director of the daycare with my proof of the two of them being together that they have had to move in together to make ends meet. So our original agreement of him getting Carter every third day after he gets off his 24 hour shift with the stipulation of him not bringing our son around his girlfriend till they are together for at least 6 months isn’t going to work. So now we have to come up with some kind of agreement and I have to let him get our son and bring him around HER… UGH… I hate this.

I am so ready to jump off this rollercoaster. I hate it.

What do you guys think is reasonable child support and visitation?

How low can you go??

2008-01-05T17:36:00.000-06:00

Well my stbx (soon to be ex) is back with our son's daycare teacher.

So much for him saying he wanted me back. He wanted me to come over on new years eve and I didn't. He then wanted us to come over on new years day and make us dinner. I had to have him sign a check and needed to give him some paperwork cause his second ex wife was taking him back to court. (yes I will be his 3rd ex wife). Well while I was there at his house Lisa Carter's daycare teacher called three times wanting to come over cause she wants him back. She says she can't breathe without him.... So Carter and I left and Lisa drove past me on her way to Dave's house. So I turned around and confronted her in his driveway. I asked her what she had to say now... she said nothing. I said so everything I told the director of the daycare was a lie and she said no. I said so eveything you told the director was a lie and she said yes. She said they have been dating. I called her a few explicit names. Then I told her that she told me once that he brother was a minister and what Dave was doing was adultry... I said so what you are doing is adultry too. She then said well you guys are getting a divorce.

So I had to pull my son out of a wonderful daycare cause his teacher is sleeping with my husband... we haven't even been seperated 2 months.

ugh.....

20 TRAITS OF MALIGNANT NARCISSISM

2007-12-20T14:45:00.000-06:00

After searching and such I have found this and I beleive this to be Dave. He is a psychopath with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The ones highlighted in red are the traits that he displays.

1. THE PATHOLOGICAL LIAR is skillfully deceptive and very convincing. Avoids accountability by diverting topics, dodging questions, and making up new lies, bluffs or threats when questioned. His memory is self serving as he denies past statements. Constant chaos and diverting from reality is their chosen environment.Defense Strategy: Verify his words. Do not reveal anything about yourself - he'll use it against you. Head for the door when things don't add up. Don't ask him questions - you'll only be inviting more lies.

2. THE CONTRACT BREAKER agrees to anything then turns around and does the opposite. Marriage, Legal, Custody agreements, normal social/personal protocol are meaningless. This con artist will accuse you of being the contract breaker. Enjoys orchestrating legal action and playing the role of the 'poor me' victim. Defense Strategy: Expect him to disregard any agreement. Have Plan B in place. Protect yourself financially and emotionally.

3. THE HIGH ROLLER Successfully plows and backstabs his way to the top. His family a
disposable prop in his success facade. Is charismatic, eloquent and intelligent in his field, but often fakes abilities and credentials. Needs to have iron-fisted control, relying on his manipulation skills. Will ruthlessly support, exploit or target others in pursuit of his ever-changing agenda. Mercilessly abuses the power of his position. Uses treachery or terrorism to rule or govern. Potential problem or failure situations are delegated to others. A vindictive bully in the office with no social or personal conscience. Often suspicious and paranoid. Others may support him to further their own Mephistophelian objectives, but this wheeler-dealer leaves them holding the bag. Disappears quickly when consequences loom.Defense Strategy: Keep your references and resume up to date. Don't get involved in anything illegal. Document thoroughly to protect yourself. Thwarting them may backlash with a cascade of retaliation. Be on the lookout and spot them running for office and vote them out. Educate yourself about corporate bullies

4. THE SEXUAL NARCISSIST is often hypersexual (male or female). Pornography, masturbation, incest are reported by his targets. Anything, anyone, young, old, male/female, are there for his gratification. This predator takes what is available. Can have a preference for 'sado-maso' sexuality. Often easily bored, he demands increasingly deviant stimulation. However, another behaviour exists, the one who withholds sex or emotional support.Defense Strategy: Expect this type to try to degrade you. Get away from him. Expect him to tell lies about your sexuality to evade exposure of his own.

5. THE BLAME-GAME NARCISSIST never accepts responsibility. Blames others for his failures and circumstances. A master at projection.Defense Strategy: Learn about projection. Don't take the bait when he blames you. He made the mess let him clean it up.

6. THE VIOLENT NARCISSIST is a wife-Beater, Murderer, Serial Killer, Stalker, Terrorist. Has a 'chip-on-his-shoulder' attitude. He lashes out and destroys or uses others (particularly women and children) as scapegoats for his aggression or revenge. He has poor impulse control. Fearless and guiltless, he shows bad judgement. He anticipates betrayal, humiliation or punishment, imagines rejection and will reject first to 'get it over with'. He will harass and push to make you pay attention to him and get a reaction. He will try to make you look out of control. Can become dangerous and unpredictable. Has no remorse or regard for the rights of others. Defense Strategy: Don't antagonize or tip your hand you're leaving. Ask for help from the police and shelters.

7. THE CONTROLLER/MANIPULATOR pits people against each other. Keeps his allies and targets separated. Is verbally skillful at twisting words and actions. Is charismatic and usually gets his way. Often undermines our support network and discourages us from seeing our family and friends. Money is often his objective. Other people's money is even better. He is ruthless, demanding and cruel. This control-freak bully wants you pregnant, isolated and financially dependent on him. Appears pitiful, confused and in need of help. We rush in to help him with our finances, assets, and talents. We may be used as his proxy interacting with others on his behalf as he sets us up to take the fall or enjoys the performance he is directing.Defense Strategy: Know the 'nature of the beast'. Facing his failure and consequences will be his best lesson. Be suspicious of his motives, and avoid involvement. Don't bail him out.

8. THE SUBSTANCE ABUSER Alcohol, drugs, you name it, this N does it. We see his over-indulgence in food, exercise or sex and his need for instant gratification. Will want you to do likewise.Defense Strategy: Don't sink to his level. Say No.

9. OUR "SOUL MATE" is cunning and knows who to select and who to avoid. He will come on strong, sweep us off our feet. He seems to have the same values, interests, goals, philosophies, tastes, habits. He admires our intellect, ambition, honesty and sincerity. He wants to marry us quickly. He fakes integrity, appears helpful, comforting, generous in his 'idealization' of us phase. It never lasts. Eventually Jekyll turns into Hyde. His discarded victims suffer emotional and financial devastation. He will very much enjoy the double-dipping attention he gets by cheating. We end the relationship and salvage what we can, or we are discarded quickly as he attaches to a "new perfect soul mate". He is an opportunistic parasite. Our "Knight in Shining Armor" has become our nightmare. Our healing is lengthy. Defense Strategy: Seek therapy. Learn about this disorder. Know the red flags of their behaviour, and "If he seems too good to be true..." Hide the hurt you feel. Never let him see it. Be watchful for the internet predator.

10. THE QUIET NARCISSIST is socially withdrawn, often dirty, unkempt. Odd thinking is observed. Used as a disguise to appear pitiful to obtain whatever he can,

11. THE SADIST is now the fully-unmasked malignant narcissist. His objective is watching us dangle as he inflicts emotional, financial, physical and verbal cruelty. His enjoyment is all too obvious. He'll be back for more. His pleasure is in getting away with taking other people's assets. His target: women, children, the elderly, anyone vulnerabie. Defense Strategy: Accept the Jekyll/Hyde reality. Make a "No Contact' rule. Avoid him altogether. End any avenue of vulnerability. Don't allow thoughts of his past 'good guy' image to lessen the reality of his disorder.

12. THE RAGER flies off the handle for little or no provocation. Has a severely disproportionate overreaction. Childish tantrums. His rage can be intimidating. He wants control, attention and compliance. In our hurt and confusion we struggle to make things right. Any reaction is his payoff. He seeks both good or bad attention. Even our fear, crying, yelling, screaming, name calling, hatred are his objectives. If he can get attention by cruelty he will do so. Defense Strategy: Manage your responses. Be fully independent. Don't take the bait of his verbal abuse. Expect emotional hurt. Volence is possible.

13. THE BRAINWASHER is very charismatic. He is able to manipulate others to obtain status, control, compliance, money, attention. Often found in religion and politics. He masterfully targets the naive, vulnerable, uneducated or mentally weak.Defense Strategy. Learn about brainwashing techniques. Listen to your gut instinct. Avoid them.

14. THE RISK-TAKING THRILL-SEEKER never learns from his past follies and bad judgment. Poor impulse control is a hallmark. Defense Strategy: Don't get involved. Use your own good judgement. Say No.

15. THE PARANOID NARCISSIST is suspicious of everything usually for no reason. Terrified of exposure and may be dangerous if threatened. Suddenly ends relationships if he anticipates exposure or abandonment. Defense Strategy: Give him no reason to be suspicious of you. Let some things slide. Protect yourself if you anticipate violence.

16. THE IMAGE MAKER will flaunt his 'toys', his children, his wife, his credentials and accomplishments. Admiration, attention, even glances from others, our envy or our fear are his objective. He is never satisfied. We see his arrogance and haughty strut as he demands center stage. He will alter his mask at will to appear pitiful, inept, solicitous, concerned, or haughty and superior. Appears the the perfect father, husband, friend - to those outside his home. Defense Strategy: Ignore his childlike behaviours. Know his payoff is getting attention, deceiving or abusing others. Provide him with 'supply' to avert problems.

17. THE EMOTIONAL VACUUM is the cruellest blow of all. We learn his lack of empathy. He has deceived us by his cunning ability to mimic human emotions. We are left numbed by the realization. It is incomprehensible and painful. We now remember times we saw his cold vacant eyes and when he showed odd reactions. Those closest to him become objectified and expendable. Defense Strategy: Face the reality. They can deceive trained professionals.

18. THE SAINTLY NARCISSIST proclaims high moral standing. Accuses others of immorality. "Hang 'em high" he says about the murderer on the 6:00 news. This hypocrite lies, cheats, schemes, corrupts, abuses, deceives, controls, manipulates and torments while portraying himself of high morals. Defense Strategy: Learn the red flags of behaviour. Be suspicious of people claiming high morals. Can be spotted at a church near you.

19. THE CALLING-CARD NARCISSIST forewarns his targets. Early in the relationship he may 'slip up' revealing his nature saying "You need to protect yourself around me" or "Watch out, you never know what I'm up to." We laugh along with him and misinterpret his words. Years later, coping with the devastation left behind, his victims recall the chilling warning. Defense Strategy: Know the red flags and be suspicious of the intentions of others.

20. THE PENITENT NARCISSIST says "I've behaved horribly, I'll change, I love you, I'll go for therapy." Appears to 'come clean' admitting past abuse and asking forgiveness. Claims we are at fault and need to change too. The sincerity of his words and actions appear convincing. We learn his words are verbal hooks. He knows our vulnerabilities and what buttons to push. We question our judgement about his disorder. We can disregard "Fool me once..." We hope for change and minimize past abuse. With a successful retargeting attempt, this N will enjoy his second reign of terror even more if we allow him back in our lives.

Just another day in my life right now....

2007-12-18T15:28:00.001-06:00

Well at times I think that things are getting better and I will survive this. Then there are days I don't feel like I can literally make it another minute. All of this sucks... it really does. I have so many unanswered questions.... I know I will never get and answer to or at least an honest answer. I don't think he can tell me the truth to save his life. Have the past 10 years all been a lie?

Here is what has happened this week. Well Dave again was supposed to get Carter and he was going to go to Jacksonville to see his other kids on Sunday. I had told Dave that I didn't want him to bring Carter around his new girlfriend until they were together for at least 6 months. Carter doesn't need someone coming in and out of his life right now. Dave said "So you are going to make me choose between her and him?" In my opinion it shouldn't be a choice. Your children should always come first. Well you know what... that new girlfriend of his comes first. I guess they had gotten in a fight and so he spent the day trying to make it up to her or something. I really feel sorry for Tabitha and Michael cause they haven't seen their dad except for an hour on Thanksgiving since we lived together and I had them on our weekend. They are old enough to know what is going on and to know what their dad is doing. Carter on the other hand doesn't. Carter keeps telling me that he wants his Daddy and Mommy to love back to each other and live together again so he can see both of us. It is so hard to hear him say that. I know deep down that will never happen. Sometimes I think maybe I would try to work things out just so that Carter will be happy again. But, in the long run it wouldn't be fair and wouldn't be right. I just hate to see Carter hurting and missing his dad.

Dave says his new girlfriends name is Lori. However I heard that a girl named Lisa had moved some stuff into his house. This Lisa was a girl who used to date someone who works at Suttons where Dave works. My source of information told me that this lady had spent some time in a mental health facility cause she tried to set her house and all of her children's belongings on fire. I then became concerned for Carter's sake. I picked Carter up from school that night and after I left it hit me... Carter's daycare teachers name is Lisa... she used to live around Taylorville, she used to date someone that works at Suttons. I was FURIOUS once again. I then remember Dave telling me that Lisa had given him her phone number after I had told her that we were going to be getting a divorce. I didn't think much of it at first cause I just thought maybe she wanted to get back in touch with that guy she dated. Now I have a million things running through my head. I didn't say or ask Dave anything about it for 5 whole days. Then it got the best of me and I confronted him. I asked him if he new someone named Lisa Owens. He said yeah that is Carter's daycare teacher. I asked him if they had a relationship.... he immediately got pissed. I asked him if they talk… and he said yes EVERY DAY. He said she is helping him with weight watchers and helping him lose weight. I asked him if he was going to meeting and doing weight watchers now. He said he wasn't going to meeting and he was doing weight watchers when he wasn't drinking. (How do I trust this man who has continually lied to me over and over again?) I told him I didn't like that fact at all that he had any kind of relationship with Carter's teacher. It was very unprofessional and inappropriate on her part. She should have never gotten involved. Dave should have never contacted her. I told Dave I wasn't happy and I was going to think about pulling Carter out the daycare. So I set up a meeting to talk to CJ the daycare director at 10 am. I met her and told her that I was thinking about pulling Carter out, but I really hated to cause he needs this stability right now. She asked what was going on so I told her. I wasn't positive on what was going on, but my gut instinct is that what ever it is isn't right…. Even if they are just friends. I told her I thought it was unprofessional and inappropriate for her and my husband to even be contacting each other. She agreed and said she was going to talk to Lisa and see if she could find out what was going on and she would let me know. She didn't want me to pull Carter out as she agreed that Carter needs to be where he is comfortable and needs the stability and doesn't need another major change. I left and went back to work. CJ called me later and told me that she talked to Lisa and that she stated that they were just friends too and that she was helping him with his weight loss. I don't know what to believe… Then Dave called me after lunch and was yelling and cussing at me how dare I pull a stunt like that…. He told me I was low and that he thought I wanted to be his friend and a friend would never do anything like that. He said I ruined his friendship with Lisa and all she was doing was trying to help him. I finally got tired of him yelling and cussing at me that I hung up on him. So these are the following text messages that were sent back and forth between us

Michelle: What did she (Lisa) say? Yes I voiced my concerns about Carter.

Dave: U told CJ we r having a affair. I am with Lori, Lisa was being a friend helping me with my weight. Now she can't so go spread more rumors, go fuck yourself, & if it doesn't have 2 do with Carter stay the fuck out of my life.

Michelle: Well then you need to get Lori to co-sign for a loan for you if you don't want to be my friend and you want me out of your life. Have a good life. (I was so hurt)

Michelle: I am sorry I upset you and made you mad. I know you don't love me any more and yes that hurts like hell. But some how I will survive. It is when you do things that affect Carter or have the potential to affect him that I get mad and get defensive for Carters sake. Again I know you don't care, but I am sorry.

Dave: How the fuck is me dating someone going 2 effect Carter, I look at how they would be with Carter. What u did today was worse then anything Becky ever did. Lisa is a very kind hearted person.

Michelle: Sorry that I think it was very unprofessional of her to even contact you even if she just wanted to be friends. I went and talk to the director about pulling Carter out.

Dave: U know what is bullshit Lisa like u, I was trying 2 lose weight 4 my health, now she can't do that. I hope u & Jake, Jenn, & Jamie all are happy u ruined a friendship & a reputation Lisa is now staying away & does not want 2 b n the middle of it.

Michelle: She should have never gotten involved in the first place. It was inappropriate and not professional.

Dave: Then pull Carter out. I can only imagine what is being said behind the scenes.

I am tired of him being so mean and hurtful to me. He is the one that doesn't seem to care about his children. I have the kids best interest at heart. I am not out to hurt anyone.

My story....

2007-12-12T09:17:00.000-06:00

My Story…. My Life….

My husband and I met at the end of 1998 and started dating in February 1999. He moved in with me in March 1999. We were engaged on April 20, 1999. Then we got married on October 7, 2000 so we were engaged for about a year and a half. This was my first marriage and his third. I didn’t have any kids before we got married and he had one from his first wife and two from his second wife. I wanted a child really bad so we started trying right away. Due to PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) I was unable to get pregnant without the help of fertility treatment. Finally we got pregnant in March 2002. We had our miracle on Nov. 1, 2002 his name is Carter!

Our problems seemed to start around Nov 2003 when my husband was working at a Wendy’s restaurant as a general manager. He was having more fun going out with his co-workers and drinking then being home with his family. I caught him out at a bar with two girls from his work at 1 am when he had told me he was just going to watch football with a guy friend and be home by 10. I found out that he had picked these girls up cause they live together and he took them to the bar. I ended up leaving and staying at my parents the next day because he had thrown his ring at me and told me it was over. I later found out that he also bailed one of these girls out of jail on Christmas Eve which is when I was staying at my parents. He ended up apologizing and I moved back right before New Years Eve.

We still had our ups and downs, but the next major problem came in 2005. I found out he was text messaging another woman all the time. He said that they were just friends. Then I found that he was on an online website called hornymatches.com and he had a profile on there saying that he was bored with his marriage and was looking for someone to have a fling with to spice up his life… or something like that. So I created a profile on there under a different name (Lexi) and approached him and we talked back and forth and then he set up to meet me at a hotel so that as he stated he could “have me for breakfast”. So when he showed up at the hotel he was a little surprised to see me there and I told him that “Lexi” wasn’t going to be meeting him and that he needed to go back and pack his shit and get out of the house.

I ended up forgiving him again and took him back. We continued to have our ups and downs. I found him texting another woman in August of this year and talking to girls on his myspace sending them messages that they were hot and stuff. I told him that it wasn’t right for him to do that and if he didn’t stop I was leaving. Well after one day of me leaving he agreed to stop. He changed his cell number, and closed his myspace account. Then Carter and I moved back home again.

Now we are at our current major problem. He had just started a new job in October (his 12th since we have been together that I can remember) He works full time as an EMT for a private ambulance company so it is 24 hours on and 48 hours off. We had gotten in a fight on Sunday Nov. 4th about me wanting to go with him to take his kids back to their mom’s. He said that he wasn’t getting enough “Me time” and thought that maybe we needed a break and that I should go stay at my parents. So I took Carter and we went to stay at my parents for awhile on Monday Nov. 5th. I then found that he had been text messaging this girl from another ambulance company in the town where he works over 800 times in one week. He said they were just friends and she was helping him study for his state paramedic test. So I told him that I didn’t think it was right for a married man to be texting another woman that many times even if they are just friends. So I told him that he needed to stop talking to her if he wanted me to come back. He kept saying that we will talk about things and he didn’t want to have to give up another friend like I made him do just 2 months ago. So on the following Saturday I found her myspace page and found the following in her blog. (shortened versions) “I met this guy today from the other ambulance company and he told his partner that he thought I was hot! We ended up with each others phone numbers and have been talking ever since.” That was on October 28th that they met. Then in another blog I found the following “Things with Dave and I are still up in the air. He keeps pressuring me into a serious relationship and I told him that he isn’t in a place in his life where he can have one. He isn’t divorced yet and is still living with his wife.” I was FURIOUS. I called him and he denied it and got mad at me because I was going to believe what she wrote instead of him. I ended up calling her and talking to her. She ended up telling me everything. He had told her that our marriage was over along time ago and we were getting a divorce and I was only still living there because I hadn’t found a place on my own yet. We found out that he had been telling her a bunch of lies.

So now this is where we are at now. I am still at my parents. He has moved to the town where he works. The girl wants nothing to do with him now and her and I have actually become friends. But he has gone on two dates with two seperate girls... they didn't work out... met another girl online in a chat room, she came and saw him and the dated for a bit... now he is moved on and has a new girlfriend. All of this in less then one month.

I am crushed… at the beginning of November I thought we were fine. Now there isn’t a day that has gone by that I haven’t cried my eyes out. I do miss him, I do love him. I don’t think I could ever trust him again…. Ever.

I want this pain to stop… this is the worst pain I have ever felt.