My head is spinning and I am so SCARED

My head is spinning… And I am so scared.

I have gotten my final court date to finish my divorce. Then it will all be FINAL… Why does that scare the crap out of me? Why do I doubt myself that I am doing the right thing? Yes I do still love him and always will as he is the father of my one and only child.

I won’t get into my whole story again, but for those of you that don’t know it here is my original post about my story. http://www.divorcesupport.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=0&Board=After&Number=156281&fpart=&PHPSESSID=

Now my Dave is not with any woman and hasn’t been since the end of January beginning of February. He has been nice to me and wanting me back since then. He says he has realized he messed up. However I don’t think I could ever trust him again. A marriage is based on trust… if you don’t have it a marriage won’t survive. In the back of my head I wonder if he just wants me back to help him get back out of debt like I did when we first met, or just want me back till the next girl comes along. Then I think maybe possibly he has learned his lesson this time, maybe he will change. I have come sooo far, do I risk it all again? Another thing he keeps telling me is that I need to stop listening to my friends and family and do what I want to do. My heart is thinking give him another chance. My brain is saying… what, are you a fool, don’t trust him again. I know my family and friends would be let down and hurt them selves if I took him back, but eventually they would stand behind me as it is my life and my decision. They along with all of you have been my support through all of this and they see him for what he really is and don’t have the emotional heart strings attached.

I am so tired of being lonely. I do miss him, but there is a lot I don’t miss. I wonder if I just miss the dream of what I thought we had or could have had. I am so scared that nobody will ever understand me like he did. I am afraid that I won’t find someone to make me happy, make me smile, to make me feel special, needed and wanted. My biggest fear all my life has been being alone. I don’t want to grow old by myself.

I am SCARED.

Michelle