2008... Wow, what a year!!

2008…. Wow, what a year!

(Warning… this is going to be long)

Well who would have ever thought that 2008 would be such a significant year in my life. You see back in 2007 I though that I was happily married, settled down with my husband and our son. Then in November at the end of ’07 I found him looking else where for love… he said I didn’t make him feel like he was my #1. Well let me tell you he was. He and Carter were my life. Boy how that has changed in ’08! Now I live for my wonderful son and myself. My world no longer revolves around him. I no longer have live with a suspicious mind all the time. Yes I do miss having a family of my own and I do miss that fact that Carter’s dad is no longer involved with his daily life. Carter had a really rough time in the beginning, but he has adjusted well now.

So I filed for divorce and it was granted on June 3, 2008. I officially became a single mom. I was granted child support in the amount of $85 a week. Now that doesn’t even cover half of the daycare, school lunches, sports, clothing, insurance and feeding our son. I sporadically received child support payments… I am again in a dry spell and haven’t gotten a payment since October 6th. So trying to raise a child with out any help has been trying at times, but we again are surviving. Thank goodness I still am living at my parents. I honestly wish that I could afford to move out and for Carter and I to have a place we could call our own. It saddens me every day that I myself can’t provide everything for my son… I do thank the Lord above everyday for giving me my wonderful son… he has saved my life. I also thank him for my parents who provide a roof over our heads and their loving support.

Dave has continued to hop from job to job and living arrangements. As of right now he and Lisa are again separated. Just like the many times before he says it’s for good. He has again gone to Spfld, MO to try OTR truck driving. So far he is sticking with it this time. He says he loves it. It is something he always said he wanted to do. Hopefully now I will start getting child support as soon as he is done with training and gets on their payroll.

I myself am still working two jobs. I still work at General Casualty full time and Lifestar Ambulance part time. There is talk of our Springfield branch office of General Casualty being closed. They have gone to an almost paperless environment and everything is going to image right. They have also been consolidating a lot of the jobs into either home office or regional offices. Slowly all of the jobs are being eliminated. It really scares me… what would I do without the insurance, the amount of time off I get and the pay. I couldn’t go somewhere else and start making what I do here. I could always go to Lifestar full time, but the insurance there sucks… and I would be on shift 24 and off 48. That would be hard being a single mom.

Well I thought I was ready to start getting out there in the dating world. I had already been set up by a joint friend with a wonderful guy who worked for the Illinois Secretary of State office in the IT dept. He had never been married and didn’t have any children of his own. He lived in a nice house in the country by Salisbury that had lots of land. He was just getting out of a long relationship with a girl I think he still loved…I too was just getting out of my marriage… actually was still legally married, so things just didn’t work out with us like I wished they had. So I waited some time and then at the end of July I joined some of the online dating sites. I met a really nice guy on eHarmony. He came from a wonderful family who’s parents were still together. He had a great job that he loves working at IEPA as an environmental engineer and was a manager with a bunch of engineers under him. So, he was able to support himself and had a beautiful house with a pool by Washington Park. Sounds great… a lot of the stuff I am looking for in a relationship. Well, we went on only one date and just as I imagined it all seemed to good to be true and work out for me.

I also met a nice guy on Match.com… his name is Michael. Michael works at Lowes Dept Store, and he lives with his Grandma in her house. We went on our first date on August 6th and went to dinner and a movie. After our first date I just didn’t feel a connection to him at all. I told him that I thought maybe I just wasn’t ready to date. We continued to talk and he is the nicest guy I have met in a long time. He is very thoughtful and caring. So I decided to give it another try! I was really scared to let my guard down and face the possibility of falling in love again. I was also scared by the similarities to Dave. Michael and Dave both came from the same kind of childhoods where neither one of them knew their dads growing up, both were raised mainly by their grandmothers. We have continued to see each other and have even went away for a night to St. Louis to see a Cardinals game. I got the tickets from work and I paid for the hotel down there. Michael drove and paid for the gas. It was a nice getaway! I told him though while down there that I still was leery about our relationship. I told him I was scared of letting him get to close because I was afraid of him getting hurt while I am trying to figure out what it is I want. We continued to see each other occasionally and talk or text daily. So here we are coming up on 5 months and I still feel like I don’t know what it is I exactly want. I am still so afraid of hurting him. I don’t want to continue to lead him on and see him get hurt. He truly is one of the nicest guys I have ever met. Why can’t feel this great connection with him. I thought over time it would happen. What is wrong with me??? I finally let him meet Carter and he treats him wonderfully…. I couldn’t ask for anything better. His Grandmother, Aunt, and Mother all have welcomed Carter and I into their lives with open arms. I don’t want to hurt them either. Maybe it's cause we don't spend a lot of time together... since he works at Lowes he has to work alot of nights and weekends, then he has bowling 2 nights a week, then add me working a second job at Lifestar. Plus the fact that he lives at his Grandmothers house and I live at my parents house still we dont' get much alone time. I don't know... Why can’t I decide what it is that is wrong with me. Why don’t I feel this great connection??? He is a wonderful guy… WHY??? I am so scared that maybe we aren't meant for each other and of hurting him in the end.

Well that is about it for now… Not sure how many people read this as I know some have said they lost the link to it, but if you are still reading thank you for toughing it out and reading this entirely to long of a blog entry. ;-)

I hope ya’ all had a very Merry Christmas (Carter and I did) and have a wonderful New Year!!!

Love to all
Michelle

December 3rd update

December 3rd update

Well as Christmas is getting near I am no where near ready. On my December 12th paycheck I should hopefully have a little extra cash and be able to go buy some gifts. I have bought Carter two things so far! So it isn’t like I haven’t gotten anything…. ;-)

I called the child support division and reported Dave’s new employer to them. They told me they will get an order to withhold out to them in the mail within 24 hrs and hopefully in about 30 days I will start receiving support again. I just hope Dave sticks with this job and doesn’t quit…. I know wishful thinking huh. They did tell me that I will get part of his income tax refund when he files for back child support. They are also tacking interest onto his late payments too.!!!!

Carter was sick on Thanksgiving…. He had 103.3 temp. Then I thought he was getting better and then on Sunday night he was coughing so bad and could hardly breathe. I almost took him into the ER. I kept him home from school on Monday and took him to prompt care. The Dr. listened to him and all she could hear was wheezing and so she said he had to have a nebulizer treatment first so that it would hopefully clear him up so she could listen better. He had that for 5 minutes and then she listened again and he has bronchitis plus and ear infection. So he is on an antibiotic plus an inhaler. He slept a lot better last night!

Well that is about it for now.