2009 is coming to an end... Where did the year go??

I can't believe 2009 is almost over. This year is ending in an amazing way for me too!!!

As I mentioned before that I thought I had probably found Mr. Right already and just never knew it. Yes, Michael! I wasn't sure if he would ever give me a chance for more then just the friends that we remained. Well he did.... He is an amazing man (just like I have always said) He has really opened up to me this time. I always thought he was holding back and wasn't telling me something. Well we had an amazing talk and he explained some things to me. He said he now fully trusts me and he is now ready to take that leap of faith with me. I told him I didn't realize he wasn't ready that last time we dated. I told him I was ready then, but this time I started off a bit apprehensive. He told me he understood.

Well we have finally made that great connection that I never totally felt with him before. It is amazing!!!! He told me he loved me on December 19th! It just melted my heart! I told him I was getting there too... He told me to take my time.

Meanwhile I have continued to really fall for him... he has really opened up to me. He is so amazing! I got us tickets to go see a comedian at the Funny Bone in St. Louis on New Years Eve. I was thinking I would probably tell him that night that I Loved him as I was certain that I was falling in Love with him. Then Christmas Eve came and he came over to our house just as we finished opening presents. He ate dinner with us and then we just enjoyed each other company. He said he was going to have to go home about 8 to get stuff ready for Christmas Day. Well Carter and him started playing football on the PlayStation. So while they were busy I was able to get some stuff picked up and then to start making Gee's blanket. It was almost 10pm when they finally got done and Michael started to get ready to leave. I told him to call me or text me when he got home. Well he didn't call and didn't text and I started to get worried since the weather wasn't that good outside. It was a good 45 minutes later I got a text from him saying that he was home and that he left his phone in the car by accident. Well the first think I saw when I opened that text was Accident. My heart just sank. It was then that I realized I had really fallen in Love with him. I was so worried that something happened to him and the thought of not ever seeing him again really scared me. Then I was thinking if something did happen to him that I never got to tell him I Loved him.... So, Christmas Day when he came over I told him I Loved him and that I knew I was falling for him, but I really realized it the night before that I wasn't only falling... I already Fell in love!

We have spent the past two Christmas's together and I hope we spend many more together.

I think I have found "The One"!!!! I told him thank you for never giving up on me and he said he Never has given up on me and that he Never will!

2010 is going to be an amazing year!!!!

I took that leap of faith and I fell.... and let me tell you the fall was worth it all!!!

The search for Mr. Right....

I know I've said this before, but I really thought dating was supposed to be fun.... Well it's not.

I saw a guy again this weekend that I had previously saw a couple months ago. He is very kind and gentle. He has a good job making lots of money, however he lives in Peoria so that he can be closer to his work. I went there to see him this weekend. Well I just was not comfortable around him. I found myself comparing him to Michael. Yes, Michael the guy that I have dated twice now.... Michael is just such an amazing man, he really is. I just wish I had that great connection with him. Maybe every time we tried dating I was trying to rush things?? I have never felt as comfortable with anyone else as I do with him.

This past Monday I had to go to Decatur to have a root canal done. I asked him if he could give me directions since he used to live in Decatur. Well, he not only gave me directions he wanted to take me. He said he was off work that day and would like to see me and to be able to take me. He is so SWEET. After all that I have put him through he is still there for me no matter what.

I was telling some of my friends at work that he was wanting to take me to the dentist. One of them said to me... you know what will happen someday... I said what. She said someday you two will get married. ;-)

I don't know though... As much as I do really like him... always have and have fallen for him numerous times, there was always something that would sneak up and stop me from falling completely in love with him. Plus, I don't know if he would ever take me back... and I wouldn't blame him one bit either.

So, that's it for my dating life right now. Maybe I had already found Mr. Right and didn't ever realize it......

NEW UPDATE!!!! (sorry it's been so long)

First let me say for those that do still read this…. I am sorry that it has been so long since I have given an update.

Lets see… where to start.

Well the last time I updated I was still seeing Michael. Back in the beginning of September we mutually agreed that things just weren’t progressing and that it just wasn’t a good time for us to be trying to date again. I told him I do care for him, but that I just don’t have time right now to devote to a relationship. My main priority is Carter and myself. So between Carter’s sports activities and me working 2 jobs to try and make ends meet I just don’t have time to date anyone right now. Now I have gone on two dates since Michael and I called it quits. However, I told them both before we even went on the dates that I really wasn’t looking to date right now as I just don’t have the time to devote to a relationship. They understood, but still wanted to go out.

Carter is finishing up football right now. He had his last scheduled game already, but his team has a bowl game this coming Saturday. He keeps wavering back and forth on whether or not he wants to play football again next year. I am signing him up next for basketball that starts next month. He has never played before so we will have to wait and see if he likes it. His favorite sport by far is baseball!!!!!

Carter seems to be doing really well in 1st grade this year. It is amazing to hear him read to me. I LOVE it! My baby is growing up though… way to fast. I have his parent teacher conference this coming Friday so I will hopefully find out more on how he is doing in class then.

Can you believe Carter is going to be 7 years old in less then a month…. Oh my goodness where have the past 7 years gone???

I was the good parent last night and actually took Carter to Jacksonville to see his father. Carter hasn’t seen his father since Father’s Day when once again I was the one who drove to Jacksonville so he could see him. On Father’s Day he saw him for a total of about 5 minutes tops. Sad part is Carter didn’t really even want to go… I had to make him go. Last night we were at his house and we sat there for about 15-20 minutes maybe. Dave has 2 cats and both Carter and I are allergic to them. Dave has moved his girlfriend in with him… or I guess I should say fiancée. Yes I guess they are engaged even though he isn’t divorced from his last fling that he married. I really don’t approve of his new girlfriend at all. She has recently been arrested for doing drugs. I don’t care if it is only pot she is doing…. It is illegal. Dave caught her one time doing drugs and he broke up with her. (which surprised me) Supposedly she went to rehab and isn’t doing drugs anymore now. So he took her back. However it will be a cold day in hell before I ever allow Carter to go over there for any kind of overnight visit. Fist of all she smokes cigarettes which Carter is allergic to the smoke, and they have 2 cats which Carter is allergic to. Then there is the fact of the illegal drug problem…. I’m sorry maybe she has kicked the habit, but I have my doubts.

Today is kind of a sad day for me. Nine years ago today I married the man I was so madly in love with. I wanted to start a family with him and to live happily ever after. I really thought it would last forever. Dave and I got married October 7, 2000… As I sit here thinking about how happy I was then I start to tear up a bit. I miss that life… I miss being married, I miss being a complete family. Why did he have to take that from Carter and I??? I know he has said many times that he would take us back now. But then again that would be another cold day in hell for me to put Carter and I through that again. Dave is the one who repeatedly cheated and wasn’t happy in the marriage. I forgave him and took him back to many times…. I will never do that again. Carter and I are surviving just fine without him.

Oh I almost forgot about Carter’s hospital stay. Back in August during the Illinois State Fair Carter had an asthma attack and ended up going to the ER by ambulance and had to stay in the hospital for 3 days. We didn’t even know he had asthma so it was a really scary experience for us. Carter is now on a bunch of meds and doing so much better.

Well that is about all I can think of for right now.

Being honest...

Being honest isn't always easy, but it is ALWAYS the best thing to do.

As you can tell from my last post I feel a little stuck in my relationship. He is perfect in a lot of ways, but still there is just something missing. He has even thought so too.

I have to be true to myself and I have to be honest with him. I wish I knew what was the right thing to do. I hope and pray that I don't do the wrong thing. I need God to help guide me.

I have told him that I don't want him to ever think I am hiding anything from him or being dishonest in anyway. I don't want to hurt him or mislead him in anyway either. So I have told him that there is someone else I am talking to... we have never met before. However, I started talking to him back in early 2008 when Dave and I first separated. We have recently been in contact with each other again and are continuing the friendship. We have considered actually meeting sometime for dinner.

Some people may say there is no need to tell him unless it goes past just being friends. Well I feel that I need to always be honest. Maybe that is a fault of mine. Maybe I shouldn't have told him. I don't know... I am new to all of this. I just know that if the roles were reversed I would want to know. He knows that I am am confused about "us"... I do care for him very much. I just don't know if he is "the one" or not.

So maybe I have ruined what we had, but I am just being true to myself. I want to find that complete bridge that will take me to the other side to happiness.

Why is dating so hard... I thought it was supposed to be fun and enjoyable.

What to do???

I feel like I am trying to cross a big ravine on a bridge made out of wood planks. I am half way to safety on the other side, but I can't go all the way because the rest of the wood planks are missing. I am stuck....

Do I give up and go back and start all over??

Do I stay put where I am at and sacrifice my happiness??

I am afraid if I stay and wait the bridge will eventually collapse around me and I won't be able to get out.

UGH....

Learning to Love like you have never been hurt...

Sometimes you've got to forget the risk and take some chances...
You've got to close your eyes and take the leap....
Because sometimes the fall is worth it all...
The hardest part is learning to Love like you have never been hurt...



Well I took the chance and took the leap… I will keep you posted on if the fall is worth it all!!!

I do have different feelings all the way around this time. I myself have been more open and haven’t held back as much. I told him about what pushed me away the most the last time we dated. I think he is going to work on that issue as it is a personal one for him, but very important in a relationship to have. I talked to him about telling his family the truth about how we met and how it bothered me that he never did. He had told his Mom back when we were dating the last time. However as of right now he has told his Grandma for me, but he still has not told his Aunt. Another thing I have talked to him about was him not being so shy and opening up to me more. There are times I think he is, but I still feel he is holding a lot back. I want him to be open and honest with me. I want him to share his feelings with me and I don’t feel he is… it is a work in progress though (I hope). Last night we talked about finding out who is Father is. To me I would think it would be very important to know that information. One reason is for your own health reasons and secondly if by chance he is “The One” and we do get married and have a child together sometime I would like to know family medical history for both his Mother and Father. I have told him I would help him in any way I could and would be there for him. I told him a little bit about Dave’s experience and how he wished he had found his Dad sooner. Gosh that is a whole topic I could ramble on about. I had sent a letter to Dave’s father’s family and then we received a phone call from Dave’s sister. I can still remember that moment vividly. That was the first time I ever saw Dave cry was when he hung up the phone from talking to her. What an amazing moment for him. The only other time I saw him cry was when his grandfather died.

Anyways… back to Michael and I… I hope and pray that things work this time for us. I couldn’t imagine a sweeter kinder man to be with and to help me raise my son. I hope he works on his personal issue and also on opening up to me more. I want him to show me his feelings. I also know I am not perfect and hope that he can talk to me about what I do that frustrates him. A relationship is based on Honesty, Trust, Respect, Love and Passion. I have asked him every night if he has any questions for me and most of the time he doesn’t. I have put him in the hot seat and given him hundreds of questions and he is so kind to have answered all of them for me. I still have hundreds more!

ugh...

Why do I doubt my feelings???

Are they real or not???

Why is it so hard???

Second guessing myself and think it might have been a fluke????

UGH.....

4th of July Weekend!!!!

4th of July weekend

Wow what a weekend!!!

First I must say what a change from last year! I have recently looked back on my past posts. I have really come a long way since last July 4th holiday. I can now say without a doubt that I am so completely over Dave. Yes, I will admit I still have side effects that are lingering and I hope and pray will some day go away. My biggest being the fear of letting someone get to close to me for the fear of getting hurt again. I am also afraid of hurting someone the way that I have been hurt. I am not saying that I would hurt them in the same cheating and manipulative way that I got hurt, but the hurt of losing the one you love. I don’t want to ever see anyone experience that kind of pain. It was the worst thing in my entire life. However….. I have come a long way from those dark days.

Well onto my weekend….

My office closed at 1pm on Thursday so I had a nice long weekend! However, I worked on the ambulance Thursday night covering Jon for class. Since I had earned worst Mommy of the year award on Thursday… I had forgot to take Carter’s car seat into daycare so that he could go on the field trip. Since I forgot he had to go to the baby room while all his friends went to the movies on a field trip…. Yeah bad mommy. So, Friday I took Carter to Kick’s for some fun!!!

Michael the guy that I dated for six months… well as you know we have kept in contact and continued to talk this whole time. Well he wanted to see Carter and I so we were going to get together for lunch or something. Well he ended up inviting Carter and I to go to Riverton Friday night and watch the fireworks. I was a little hesitant on going because I didn’t know how his family would be since I had broke things off with him. Well Carter and I went… We met him at his Grandma’s house. When I saw him I just gave him a big hug. Then his Grandma came outside of their house and we all went to the park to watch the fireworks. I fought back the urges all night to reach over and grab his hand and hold it. I had these feelings all night that kept coming up… Why did I break up with this wonderful guy? How I have missed him… I wanted to lean over and kiss and hug him and never let go. What were these feelings I was feeling?? Where in the heck did they come from?? Where were they back in February when I broke up with him?? Well he took us all to Steak N Shake for milkshakes after the fireworks. Then we headed back to his place so I could get my car. He helped me carry the lawn chairs and Carter’s car seat to my car. I got Carter loaded up and settled. Then he gave me a hug again…. I think I let it slip and told him I missed him and I didn’t ever want to let him go. I gave him a small peck on his neck, but I really wanted to give him a big kiss!! ;-) Anyways… Carter and I then left and went home. Michael and I texted a bit that night and he told me too that he wanted to also kiss me. Oh my… could he still have those kind of feelings for me after what I did to him?

We chatted through text again on Saturday for a bit. I didn’t text or talk to him on Sunday, but he was on my mind all day.

So, now all weekend I have been thinking about him and can’t get him off my mind. Is there something there still?? Where are my feelings coming from and are they real? I wonder if maybe I wasn’t really ready to date back then… maybe it was to soon. What do I do now??? Do I ask him for another chance?? Do I just remain friends and see what happens?? Do I just say hey we broke up for a reason… the same reasons will come back again. I am so full of questions and so confused… I don’t know what to do.

Okay… onto the rest of my weekend. Saturday I took Carter to see Ice Age 3D. (I was still feeling bad for him not being able to see a movie on his class field trip.) We stopped and got some novelty fireworks. Went home and did those in the rain. We played Uno, Go Fish, and Trouble. Then we drove over to Knights to watch fireworks… not as good as the ones we saw Friday night. It had rained all day so the clouds were too low and we couldn’t really see much at all Saturday night. Sunday I slept most of the day away as I didn’t feel well. I think I have developed a bit of a chest cold or something. I didn’t talk to or text Michael all day… but couldn’t get him off my mind either. ;-)

HELP….. What do I do???? I don't think I am ready to reveal my new found feelings to him yet.... I am to scared. I wish life came with a how to guide. ;-)

June 2009 Update....

Wowsers… I have not updated in a long time. Sorry about that. Between working two jobs, t-ball, swimming lessons and everyday life of being a single mother to a very active 6 yr old I have been a bit busy!!

As I mentioned about Carter is taking swimming lessons again. He doesn’t particularly care for swimming lessons. However, I have told him he has to take them till he can swim from one end of the pool to the other end without help and without stopping. His friends and our neighbors Jacob and Tyler have a swimming pool and I don’t want to worry about him while he is down there swimming. Right now Carter is in the Guppy class at the local YMCA.

Carter is also finishing up his last season of T-ball. Next year he will be in coach pitch. Right now in his t-ball league that he is in plays 3 innings. The first inning is with the tee and then the other two are coach pitch to get them ready to move up to the next league. Carter LOVES coach pitch. The coach pitches usually about 8 balls to them and if they don’t get it then they have to bat off the tee. Well Carter has always been able to hit one of the coach pitches and knocks it out past 2nd base most of the time too!!! I think baseball is in his blood from his father and his side of the family. Carter’s last game is next Tuesday. He is already looking forward to next year being on the coach pitch team!!!

My “baby” will be starting tackle football in July. Yes you read that right… tackle football at the age of 6. Actually he could have played tackle football last year when he was 5. Carter is really excited, however I am scared. He is my “baby”… I don’t want him to get hurt. This is when I really wish he had a father figure in his life to guide him and help him. I don’t know a thing about football. One good thing is Carter’s head football coach is going to be Jacob and Tyler’s Dad Ron. They just live a few houses down from us. Carter is always down there playing so he knows Ron really well. Also, Jacob and Carter will be on the same team….. The Steelers!

Now onto me! As you know, Carter is my main focus in my life. I know I should put myself first at times too, but it a hard thing to do when you are a single parent without the support of the other parent. If I am not working one of my two jobs I am either at swimming lessons, t-ball practice or a game. Just because I am a single parent I don't want to limit him on what he can do so I try to play the role of both Mom and Dad and allow him to participate in a variety of sports. Plus, I like to be able to take him places around town. I want him to have the experiences that he would've had if his father and I were still together. He was not the one who choose to be raised by only his mother.

I do struggle with Carter not having a father figure in his life. Carter is always asking me when I am going to get pregnant again and have a baby. He wants a baby sister or brother so bad. I told him well Mommy isn't married and so I can't have a baby without a Daddy. Then in his logic he is always telling me to ask a guy out and then marry him so we can have a baby! Oh how I wish it were just that simple! ;-)

Now I am on a couple online dating sites, but I am the shy type so I am not aggressively looking at all. I think a lot of it is I am scared of getting hurt again. I have dated about 7 or so guys since Dave and I separated. The only real serious once was Michael. He was an amazing guy and I feel terrible still for letting him go. There were just some things that I just couldn’t get past in the relationship, so I ultimately couldn’t fall head of heels in love with the guy. At times I kick myself in the butt and tell myself I was stupid and petty and lost the best guy in the world. Then people tell me well if the feelings weren’t there then you did the right thing…. Don’t settle. So anyways… I am really thinking about taking my profiles off the sites right now because I am so busy with Carter and work that I don't have much time to commit to a dating relationship. I know I need to find myself happiness and that will show through onto Carter's happiness. But, I am not having any luck in the dating field.... so I figured I would put all my focus on my son as he is the light of my life. I will just continue to pray that God drops my perfect soul mate in my lap someday!

Okay I think I have rambled on enough...

All about me!!!

All about me!

Well here is a little update on me. I seem to have just been focusing my posts on all the Dave drama lately. Yes that gives us all a good laugh, but I am sure or hope you want to know about me too.

So here it goes…

As you all know I broke up with Michael in February. I really liked him and he was a true genuine guy who would have gone to the end of the earth for me. However, after a little over 6 months I just didn’t feel that great connection or those knock me off my feet butterflies and feelings of falling in love and not being able to live without him. I did and still do really like him and miss him plus there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of him. I couldn’t have ever asked for someone as caring as him. He welcomed me and Carter into his life with open arms. Carter also really liked him. There are times I think I made a mistake by breaking up with him. But, if my feelings for him weren’t there I didn’t want to drag it on any longer and have him possibly fall in love with me and get really hurt in the end. I feel terrible feeling this way, but I think part of my problem was the similarities to Dave and I know that wasn’t fair to Michael. Michael and Dave grew up with the same kind of childhood of not nowing their fathers and basically being raised by their grandmothers. My fear of not having stability again really scares me. I don't want to end up in finacial ruin again.

I have dated a couple other guys who did have really good very well paying jobs and they all owned their own homes. Well I have mentioned Todd whom I dated right after Dave and I separated. Then there was the other Michael I had met on eHarmony. Well the last one I was just dating up till this week his name was Jeff. He was really nice had a very good job as a Director of Strategy. He was divorced, but didn't have any kids. Well that relationship didn't work for me either.

So my main focus as it has always been is Carter. I am going to take a break from dating unless somebody just falls in front of me. There is a firefighter that I just think is too cute so I will just lust after him for now.

Well that is it on me.

Short & Sweet

Well I found out yesterday that Dave and his wife of less then three weeks will be getting a divorce. I guess she left for work yesterday and didn't say goodbye to him or anything. So he sent her a text asking her if he did something wrong. She said he stresses her and that married life just isn't for her. So now Dave is looking at going back to truck driving again. He told me he did everything right this time and really behaved himself. LOL... what a joke.

Oh and he is now talking to Susie from Baltimore again.

Like I have said before he will never grow up and learn.

At the current time I am swamped at work so I will update on me later!

Carter's visit with his Dad

So I let Dave take Carter for a little bit on Saturday. I told him he could pick him up around 12. Carter was so excited he wouldn't even go play outside with his friends cause his Dad was coming. So 12 comes and goes.... finally about 1 Dave calls and says he is on his way and will call when he gets on North Cotton Hill Road. He asks to borrow my car seat again and I let him use it and they are gone.

While Carter was gone I went out and bought him 2 beta fish!! They were talking about pets at school and he was sad cause he missed our dog that Dave had kept after we separated and then ended up giving away. So Carter was wanting a pet and I wasn't going to get him a dog or anything like that.... so fish it is!! Plus it was something for me to do while he was gone so I wasn't home crying cause I was worried and missing him.

Anyways... Dave called at 5:15 and wanted to know if I wanted Carter back now I could come and get him, or else if I wanted him to bring him home it would be around 7:30 or so. I said that he could spend some more time with him and 7:30 was fine. He calls again at 6:44 and says "we" are on our way to bring Carter back. Dave again calls me when he is on North Cotton Hill Road so I can be outside waiting for him... don't know why that is... is he afraid to come to the door?? Carter gets out of the car and is walking up towards the house before I make it outside. Carter tells me to come here he wants me to meet Curtis (Dave's girlfriends 10 yr old son) so I walk down the driveway a bit and waved and said hi. Dave was said what are you doing... I said Carter wanted me to meet Curtis. Dave's girlfriend was driving and Curtis was in the seat behind her so I couldn't see either one of them that well as they had just parked in the street and the drivers side was the furthest away.

Once Carter got inside all I asked him was if he had fun. Carter said yeah Curtis and I played outside and played guns. He also said he saw and old grandma. I asked him then if he went to Jacksonville to see Dave's mom of Dave's grandma that is in a nursing home. He said never mind.... I'm not suppose to tell you. So I dropped it.

On Sunday I had to work at Lifestar for a few hours and mom was doing an open house for dad so April was going to watch Carter for a bit. Carter told April that Curtis had told him that his sister was chasing him and he ran into the bathroom to hide and locked the door and tried to call his mom and she wouldn't answer the phone.... then he ran out of the bathroom and into the kitchen and grabbed a knife and chased his sister with it. April told me about that and I debated on asking Carter anything about it and then decided I better cause if something happened to him over at his Dads and I didn't pursue this I would never forgive myself. So I asked Carter and he said that Curtis told him about it and it didn't happen while he was there. So I was a bit relieved, but still concerned about this 10 yr old chasing someone with a knife. So Dave called on Monday and I debated on saying anything to him cause I knew he would get pissed and deny anything like that would happen. But, I decided again that I couldn't forgive myself if I didn't say anything and something were to happen to my baby. So as I was trying to tell the story to Dave before I could even finish he was cutting me off telling me that it didn't happen. I told him to let me finish and that Carter said it didn't happen while he was there, but that it happened a different time. Dave still said that it didn't happen and wouldn't have happened in a condescending voice. I was so mad I just hung up on him. I don't need to listen to him talk to me that way and I was pissed that he believed this 10 yr old child he knew for only 1 week over his own son.

I haven't really heard from him since then... he did text me on Wednesday and asked me what I still had of his besides his real father's Bible and his grandma's picture. I told him I didn't know and I would go look later. I wasn't going to drop what I was doing to go look, but I did later and all I have of his is a laundry basket full of baseball pictures and some pictures of the kids. He had given me all this stuff the last time he left Lisa and moved out before he started truck driving. Pretty sad to think that when he moved in with me in 1999 all he had was a milk crate full of stuff and when we separated and divorced he had a house full of stuff he took. He took a couch, queen size bed, two TV's, DVD player, vcr player, laptop, tons of dishes and kitchen stuff, and a lot more too. Now he is moving in with this girl and all he has is a small laundry basket of stuff and his clothes.


Okay this is an addition....

I posted this original blog around 9 am.... well now it is almost 2pm and I have some news that will blow you away. Are you ready??

3 weeks ago Dave picked a girl named Susie who was the one he decided to exclusivley pursue. On March 12th he came to Spfld for the weekend with his training partner on the big rig truck. He met up again with Angie with one of the girls he met online... well they got married on St. Patrick's Day. Yeah you read that right. They got $**$&#*%& married. So much for picking Susie three weeks ago to be the one.... OMG

Frustrated....

Well Dave the dead beat dad is now quitting his OTR Trucking job that he has with Prime and going to move back to Springfield. He has met a woman (Angie) online who lives here and she wants him to quit and find a job here. He came into town on Thursday and finally found some time to see his son Saturday night at 9:30 pm for 30 minutes. Then he did see him again on Sunday for about 3 hours. At first thought he wanted me to meet him down town at one of the museums. I told him no that he should come and get Carter and the two of them spend some quality time together. He said well doesn't he still need a car seat. I told him I would let him borrow one of mine. He said he didn't have room that his Angie's back seat was full. I told him to move things around… He said he would get back to me. Well he finally got Carter and told me he was going to take him to Chuck E Cheese. Well when they got back home I found out Dave went and picked up his Angie's 10 yr old son and took them both to go play miniature golf since Angie was working. Carter was so excited to go with his Dad and was also so excited when he came home. He said he and Curtis had a blast. Carter told me that his Dad told him that now on his stay home days he can go spend then night over there with them and Curtis and they can play and have fun. So now 1.5 years later he is wanting his visitation??? What the heck…. Why now… cause there is some woman in the picture who isn't crazy like Lisa was and who would take care of Carter… and wants Carter in the picture. He is going to play the whole Disney land dad thing and it makes me mad. So today he is out looking for a local trucking job and he is going to live with Angie and her kids. She has one that is 10 and he may be the only one that lives at home… I think they rest are older.

One thing that really upset me and I don’t' know why I let it get to me was as Carter, Dave and myself were sitting at Wendy's Saturday night Dave said to me "I am really going to grow up this time" I just looked at him and he said "you don't believe me do you" I told him while trying unsuccessfully to hold back the tears I wish you would have done that for US. Ugh…. Why did I let that get to me, why did I let my emotions show. I don’t' want him back, I am better now so why did that hurt so bad.

I am being selfish, but I don't want to share my son with him and his new family. I don't want to have to let him go over there every other weekend and share holidays. I don't share well…. I know it is what is best for Carter and that he needs his Dad in his life and he was so excited to spend time with him. But damn it… I want him all to myself.

March update

Hello!

This is going to be just a brief update cause there is not much going on.

As you all know I broke it off with Michael last month. It was hard, but deep down I know it was the right thing to do. He is an amazing man, but I just didn't have the right kind of magical feelings for him. I have talked to him a few times through email and he seems to be doing well… which makes me happy. That was the hardest part about breaking it off with him was worrying about how he would take it and that I would hurt him in the end. I have never ever broken up with anyone. It has ALWAYS been the other way around and I am always the one hurt and wondering why.

I am not seeing anyone at the current time… don't even have anyone I am talking to either. There is one guy that I just dream and have one of those high school crushes on. LOL I don't think I am his type though.

Carter is doing well. He is loving the nicer weather and the ability to get outside and play with his friends. They were outside almost all weekend playing. His school had a fun fair this weekend and Carter had lots of fun. I can't believe that his kindergarten year is almost over. My baby is growing up way to fast… before I know it he will be a senior in high school.

Now when my friend had a psychic party not to long ago the psychic lady told me that I was going to meet someone who's name starts with the letter "J" and that he is my soul mate. She stated that I would get pregnant without having to use fertility treatment and that we would get married too. She told me I would have a baby girl. So anyways… Carter more then one time has told me that he is going to be a big brother and that I am going to have another baby sometime. I've asked him who the daddy of the baby will be and at times he says he doesn't know yet…. Then times he said well my daddy could be the daddy.

Speaking of Carter's daddy… he is still driving a truck. He sent me a text message a little over a week ago and asked me if it would be to awkward for me if he asked me for dating advice. I told him no it would be weird, but I would be okay with it. Basically I was just nosey and wanted to know!! LOL Anyways, He had three women that he was trying to choose between and wanted my opinion on which one he should date more exclusively. I asked him if they all knew about each other and he said no…. I told him that he was going to get himself in trouble if he wasn't careful. He will NEVER change. As hard as it was leaving him I am so thankful now.

It's been awhile…

It's been awhile…

Well we now into our second month of 2009 and I haven't updated in awhile.

Carter is doing really well in school. They evaluate the kids on their reading ability and at the beginning of kindergarten they are to be around a 0 and by the end of kindergarten they are to be at a 3 and that will have them ready for 1st grade. Well Carter is already at a three and we are just a little past half way through the year. I myself had to have help when I was in grade school so I am VERY proud of him! His report cards have all been very good too.

Last week I finally started getting child support again. I hadn't received any since October 6th. The amount I got last week was the original amount that the judge order, but since he is delinquent by over $2000 he owes me an extra $17 each week until he gets his all his back child support paid off. I have called and am getting the amended withholding order sent to his employer so that I start getting back support too.

Dave is still doing the over the road truck driving and he says he loves it. He still is trying to get me back and says I was his true love and he loves me…. Well it's a little to late now to finally be realizing that. I will always love that man, but don't worry I will never ever take him back.

Michael, Carter and I went to St. Louis for the weekend. We stayed at a hotel for 2 nights and took Carter to the Magic House and to the City Museum. Although Carter says his favorite part was swimming at the hotel. ;-) Besides having a great time and getting away my goal on the trip was to see if spending that much time with Michael would get me those 'I can't live without you' feelings. We have been dating for 6 months and although he is an amazing man to both Carter and myself I just didn't have those kind of feelings for him yet. Well the trip was great, but I still didn't get that great connection or those amazing feelings. My feelings for him are a loving caring kind of friendship feelings instead of a lover type feelings. He new going to St. Louis what my feelings were and what I wanted to try and get out of the trip. I have been nothing but honest with him from the start. So on the way home he asked me if I was still confused and what my feelings were. So I was completely honest with him and told him that he wasn't the one for me. I told him there was nothing he did wrong and that he is a great guy and that I didn't want to hold him back anymore. I hated to have to do it, but know it was the right thing to do. ;-(