trying to move on

Why is it so hard for me to move on? Why have I sat at home all weekend and done nothing but think about Dave. I know he isn't good for me so why do I miss him so? I know I need to forgive him in order to move on. How do you forgive someone for ruining your life? Why am I over 8 months into this and still missing him and still trying to get over him. He obviously has moved on and gotten over me cause he has Lisa living with him. She is the one that was Carter's daycare teacher. I bet they get married within 6 months to a year.

I wanna be happy again. I know I have my son and he does make me happy, but I want someone to talk to and to tell them how my day was and for them to do the same. My best friend lives in GA and she is so busy with her husband, kids and being pregnant again she doesn't have the time to talk, plus I think she is getting tired of listening to me.

I don't feel like anyone understands....

I am trying to move one and I just can't get him out of my mind. Why do I miss someone who treated me so bad so much it hurts. Which was worse.... living with him and not trusting him or living with out him and being lonely? I really don't know anymore.

WHY??

And once again...

Well today is Monday July 14th. Dave was supposed to get Carter and Michael on Saturday and I was to pick Carter up in Decatur on Sunday. Well Dave called Saturday and said that he was having truck problems and wouldn't be able to get the kids to stay over night. However he was in Springfield and wated me to bring Carter to McDonalds so he could see him. I had already made plans to work at Lifestar for the night since I thought Carter was going to be at his dad's. So I dropped Carter off at McD's and Dave said he would take him back to my mom and dad.

I sent him a text that Sat night to make sure he made it back to Decatur okay and he said yeah and that he was sleeping... this was early and I thought it was weird that he would already be sleeping.

When I talked to my mom she said that Dave had called to tell Carter goodnight and that she also asked Dave if he made it home okay. He said yes and that his truck is fixed. He said he stopped at auto zone and it was the fuel filter or something like that and that the person there changed it for him since he didn't have the tools. (yeah... whatever)

So anyways... onto today.

I was sitting at Target on my lunch today and I got a the following Text message from Dave.
"Lisa is back around, thought you would want to know."

Now he is just as crazy as she is for continuing to take him back time after time.

I really worry about Carter spending time with them. IT just kills me. UGH,.........

July 12th

Well I guess Dave took Lisa back to the airport on Tuesday or Wednesday. Supposedly she is going back to AZ to marry some guy because he told her that she would never have to work again if she married him. Is she crazy or what?? lol ;-)

I am so relieved that she isn't in Dave's life anymore because that means that she will not be involved in Carter's life. That is what really scared me.

Dave is getting Carter tonight to spend the night with him.

As for me I worked last night at Lifestar and got off this morning around 10 am. Right now Carter is at a friends birthday party. After Dave picks Carter up I am going back into work at 7:30 pm and will get off at 7:30 am tomorrow.

Some people think I am crazy working so much, but I love working on the ambulance. I get paid to drive and ambulance around and help people in thier most desperate time of need. Can you think of anything better then that??? I love it!! Plus the money is nice too! :-)

Back at square one...

I am back at square one... the crying the pain. It all sucks.

I know I let myself get close to my ex again. Things were going well. We were getting along great... he has been begging me to take him back for the past 5 months. I was really doubting if I did the right thing by going through with the divorce.

Now this past Thursday he went to go pick up the girl that he was with before... our sons daycare teacher. Now she is living with him again.

Why do I set myself up to get hurt over and over again.

I am such a fool.

4th of July

Well, I sit here all alone on July 4th remembering how we used to celebrate this holiday as a family. I miss my family, I miss my life.... Oh how I hate holidays now.

I have been officially divorced since June 3rd so a little over a month and it still hurts like heck all the time.

Dave called me last night to tell me he was going to St. Louis to pick Lisa up from the airport. Now Lisa is the woman that used to be Carter's daycare teacher that Dave had lived with for a bit. Well I guess now they must be getting back together. Imagine that... when just two days ago he was telling me that he still wanted me to take him back.

Daily I ask myself if I have done the right thing. Should I have given him another chance??

DIVORCE SUCKS and I HATE being alone on holidays... they are the worst.