First let me say for those that do still read this…. I am sorry that it has been so long since I have given an update.
Lets see… where to start.
Well the last time I updated I was still seeing Michael. Back in the beginning of September we mutually agreed that things just weren’t progressing and that it just wasn’t a good time for us to be trying to date again. I told him I do care for him, but that I just don’t have time right now to devote to a relationship. My main priority is Carter and myself. So between Carter’s sports activities and me working 2 jobs to try and make ends meet I just don’t have time to date anyone right now. Now I have gone on two dates since Michael and I called it quits. However, I told them both before we even went on the dates that I really wasn’t looking to date right now as I just don’t have the time to devote to a relationship. They understood, but still wanted to go out.
Carter is finishing up football right now. He had his last scheduled game already, but his team has a bowl game this coming Saturday. He keeps wavering back and forth on whether or not he wants to play football again next year. I am signing him up next for basketball that starts next month. He has never played before so we will have to wait and see if he likes it. His favorite sport by far is baseball!!!!!
Carter seems to be doing really well in 1st grade this year. It is amazing to hear him read to me. I LOVE it! My baby is growing up though… way to fast. I have his parent teacher conference this coming Friday so I will hopefully find out more on how he is doing in class then.
Can you believe Carter is going to be 7 years old in less then a month…. Oh my goodness where have the past 7 years gone???
I was the good parent last night and actually took Carter to Jacksonville to see his father. Carter hasn’t seen his father since Father’s Day when once again I was the one who drove to Jacksonville so he could see him. On Father’s Day he saw him for a total of about 5 minutes tops. Sad part is Carter didn’t really even want to go… I had to make him go. Last night we were at his house and we sat there for about 15-20 minutes maybe. Dave has 2 cats and both Carter and I are allergic to them. Dave has moved his girlfriend in with him… or I guess I should say fiancée. Yes I guess they are engaged even though he isn’t divorced from his last fling that he married. I really don’t approve of his new girlfriend at all. She has recently been arrested for doing drugs. I don’t care if it is only pot she is doing…. It is illegal. Dave caught her one time doing drugs and he broke up with her. (which surprised me) Supposedly she went to rehab and isn’t doing drugs anymore now. So he took her back. However it will be a cold day in hell before I ever allow Carter to go over there for any kind of overnight visit. Fist of all she smokes cigarettes which Carter is allergic to the smoke, and they have 2 cats which Carter is allergic to. Then there is the fact of the illegal drug problem…. I’m sorry maybe she has kicked the habit, but I have my doubts.
Today is kind of a sad day for me. Nine years ago today I married the man I was so madly in love with. I wanted to start a family with him and to live happily ever after. I really thought it would last forever. Dave and I got married October 7, 2000… As I sit here thinking about how happy I was then I start to tear up a bit. I miss that life… I miss being married, I miss being a complete family. Why did he have to take that from Carter and I??? I know he has said many times that he would take us back now. But then again that would be another cold day in hell for me to put Carter and I through that again. Dave is the one who repeatedly cheated and wasn’t happy in the marriage. I forgave him and took him back to many times…. I will never do that again. Carter and I are surviving just fine without him.
Oh I almost forgot about Carter’s hospital stay. Back in August during the Illinois State Fair Carter had an asthma attack and ended up going to the ER by ambulance and had to stay in the hospital for 3 days. We didn’t even know he had asthma so it was a really scary experience for us. Carter is now on a bunch of meds and doing so much better.
Well that is about all I can think of for right now.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Being honest...
Being honest isn't always easy, but it is ALWAYS the best thing to do.
As you can tell from my last post I feel a little stuck in my relationship. He is perfect in a lot of ways, but still there is just something missing. He has even thought so too.
I have to be true to myself and I have to be honest with him. I wish I knew what was the right thing to do. I hope and pray that I don't do the wrong thing. I need God to help guide me.
I have told him that I don't want him to ever think I am hiding anything from him or being dishonest in anyway. I don't want to hurt him or mislead him in anyway either. So I have told him that there is someone else I am talking to... we have never met before. However, I started talking to him back in early 2008 when Dave and I first separated. We have recently been in contact with each other again and are continuing the friendship. We have considered actually meeting sometime for dinner.
Some people may say there is no need to tell him unless it goes past just being friends. Well I feel that I need to always be honest. Maybe that is a fault of mine. Maybe I shouldn't have told him. I don't know... I am new to all of this. I just know that if the roles were reversed I would want to know. He knows that I am am confused about "us"... I do care for him very much. I just don't know if he is "the one" or not.
So maybe I have ruined what we had, but I am just being true to myself. I want to find that complete bridge that will take me to the other side to happiness.
Why is dating so hard... I thought it was supposed to be fun and enjoyable.
As you can tell from my last post I feel a little stuck in my relationship. He is perfect in a lot of ways, but still there is just something missing. He has even thought so too.
I have to be true to myself and I have to be honest with him. I wish I knew what was the right thing to do. I hope and pray that I don't do the wrong thing. I need God to help guide me.
I have told him that I don't want him to ever think I am hiding anything from him or being dishonest in anyway. I don't want to hurt him or mislead him in anyway either. So I have told him that there is someone else I am talking to... we have never met before. However, I started talking to him back in early 2008 when Dave and I first separated. We have recently been in contact with each other again and are continuing the friendship. We have considered actually meeting sometime for dinner.
Some people may say there is no need to tell him unless it goes past just being friends. Well I feel that I need to always be honest. Maybe that is a fault of mine. Maybe I shouldn't have told him. I don't know... I am new to all of this. I just know that if the roles were reversed I would want to know. He knows that I am am confused about "us"... I do care for him very much. I just don't know if he is "the one" or not.
So maybe I have ruined what we had, but I am just being true to myself. I want to find that complete bridge that will take me to the other side to happiness.
Why is dating so hard... I thought it was supposed to be fun and enjoyable.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
What to do???
I feel like I am trying to cross a big ravine on a bridge made out of wood planks. I am half way to safety on the other side, but I can't go all the way because the rest of the wood planks are missing. I am stuck....
Do I give up and go back and start all over??
Do I stay put where I am at and sacrifice my happiness??
I am afraid if I stay and wait the bridge will eventually collapse around me and I won't be able to get out.
UGH....
Do I give up and go back and start all over??
Do I stay put where I am at and sacrifice my happiness??
I am afraid if I stay and wait the bridge will eventually collapse around me and I won't be able to get out.
UGH....
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Learning to Love like you have never been hurt...
Sometimes you've got to forget the risk and take some chances...
You've got to close your eyes and take the leap....
Because sometimes the fall is worth it all...
The hardest part is learning to Love like you have never been hurt...
Well I took the chance and took the leap… I will keep you posted on if the fall is worth it all!!!
I do have different feelings all the way around this time. I myself have been more open and haven’t held back as much. I told him about what pushed me away the most the last time we dated. I think he is going to work on that issue as it is a personal one for him, but very important in a relationship to have. I talked to him about telling his family the truth about how we met and how it bothered me that he never did. He had told his Mom back when we were dating the last time. However as of right now he has told his Grandma for me, but he still has not told his Aunt. Another thing I have talked to him about was him not being so shy and opening up to me more. There are times I think he is, but I still feel he is holding a lot back. I want him to be open and honest with me. I want him to share his feelings with me and I don’t feel he is… it is a work in progress though (I hope). Last night we talked about finding out who is Father is. To me I would think it would be very important to know that information. One reason is for your own health reasons and secondly if by chance he is “The One” and we do get married and have a child together sometime I would like to know family medical history for both his Mother and Father. I have told him I would help him in any way I could and would be there for him. I told him a little bit about Dave’s experience and how he wished he had found his Dad sooner. Gosh that is a whole topic I could ramble on about. I had sent a letter to Dave’s father’s family and then we received a phone call from Dave’s sister. I can still remember that moment vividly. That was the first time I ever saw Dave cry was when he hung up the phone from talking to her. What an amazing moment for him. The only other time I saw him cry was when his grandfather died.
Anyways… back to Michael and I… I hope and pray that things work this time for us. I couldn’t imagine a sweeter kinder man to be with and to help me raise my son. I hope he works on his personal issue and also on opening up to me more. I want him to show me his feelings. I also know I am not perfect and hope that he can talk to me about what I do that frustrates him. A relationship is based on Honesty, Trust, Respect, Love and Passion. I have asked him every night if he has any questions for me and most of the time he doesn’t. I have put him in the hot seat and given him hundreds of questions and he is so kind to have answered all of them for me. I still have hundreds more!
You've got to close your eyes and take the leap....
Because sometimes the fall is worth it all...
The hardest part is learning to Love like you have never been hurt...
Well I took the chance and took the leap… I will keep you posted on if the fall is worth it all!!!
I do have different feelings all the way around this time. I myself have been more open and haven’t held back as much. I told him about what pushed me away the most the last time we dated. I think he is going to work on that issue as it is a personal one for him, but very important in a relationship to have. I talked to him about telling his family the truth about how we met and how it bothered me that he never did. He had told his Mom back when we were dating the last time. However as of right now he has told his Grandma for me, but he still has not told his Aunt. Another thing I have talked to him about was him not being so shy and opening up to me more. There are times I think he is, but I still feel he is holding a lot back. I want him to be open and honest with me. I want him to share his feelings with me and I don’t feel he is… it is a work in progress though (I hope). Last night we talked about finding out who is Father is. To me I would think it would be very important to know that information. One reason is for your own health reasons and secondly if by chance he is “The One” and we do get married and have a child together sometime I would like to know family medical history for both his Mother and Father. I have told him I would help him in any way I could and would be there for him. I told him a little bit about Dave’s experience and how he wished he had found his Dad sooner. Gosh that is a whole topic I could ramble on about. I had sent a letter to Dave’s father’s family and then we received a phone call from Dave’s sister. I can still remember that moment vividly. That was the first time I ever saw Dave cry was when he hung up the phone from talking to her. What an amazing moment for him. The only other time I saw him cry was when his grandfather died.
Anyways… back to Michael and I… I hope and pray that things work this time for us. I couldn’t imagine a sweeter kinder man to be with and to help me raise my son. I hope he works on his personal issue and also on opening up to me more. I want him to show me his feelings. I also know I am not perfect and hope that he can talk to me about what I do that frustrates him. A relationship is based on Honesty, Trust, Respect, Love and Passion. I have asked him every night if he has any questions for me and most of the time he doesn’t. I have put him in the hot seat and given him hundreds of questions and he is so kind to have answered all of them for me. I still have hundreds more!
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
ugh...
Why do I doubt my feelings???
Are they real or not???
Why is it so hard???
Second guessing myself and think it might have been a fluke????
UGH.....
Are they real or not???
Why is it so hard???
Second guessing myself and think it might have been a fluke????
UGH.....
Monday, July 6, 2009
4th of July Weekend!!!!
4th of July weekend
Wow what a weekend!!!
First I must say what a change from last year! I have recently looked back on my past posts. I have really come a long way since last July 4th holiday. I can now say without a doubt that I am so completely over Dave. Yes, I will admit I still have side effects that are lingering and I hope and pray will some day go away. My biggest being the fear of letting someone get to close to me for the fear of getting hurt again. I am also afraid of hurting someone the way that I have been hurt. I am not saying that I would hurt them in the same cheating and manipulative way that I got hurt, but the hurt of losing the one you love. I don’t want to ever see anyone experience that kind of pain. It was the worst thing in my entire life. However….. I have come a long way from those dark days.
Well onto my weekend….
My office closed at 1pm on Thursday so I had a nice long weekend! However, I worked on the ambulance Thursday night covering Jon for class. Since I had earned worst Mommy of the year award on Thursday… I had forgot to take Carter’s car seat into daycare so that he could go on the field trip. Since I forgot he had to go to the baby room while all his friends went to the movies on a field trip…. Yeah bad mommy. So, Friday I took Carter to Kick’s for some fun!!!
Michael the guy that I dated for six months… well as you know we have kept in contact and continued to talk this whole time. Well he wanted to see Carter and I so we were going to get together for lunch or something. Well he ended up inviting Carter and I to go to Riverton Friday night and watch the fireworks. I was a little hesitant on going because I didn’t know how his family would be since I had broke things off with him. Well Carter and I went… We met him at his Grandma’s house. When I saw him I just gave him a big hug. Then his Grandma came outside of their house and we all went to the park to watch the fireworks. I fought back the urges all night to reach over and grab his hand and hold it. I had these feelings all night that kept coming up… Why did I break up with this wonderful guy? How I have missed him… I wanted to lean over and kiss and hug him and never let go. What were these feelings I was feeling?? Where in the heck did they come from?? Where were they back in February when I broke up with him?? Well he took us all to Steak N Shake for milkshakes after the fireworks. Then we headed back to his place so I could get my car. He helped me carry the lawn chairs and Carter’s car seat to my car. I got Carter loaded up and settled. Then he gave me a hug again…. I think I let it slip and told him I missed him and I didn’t ever want to let him go. I gave him a small peck on his neck, but I really wanted to give him a big kiss!! ;-) Anyways… Carter and I then left and went home. Michael and I texted a bit that night and he told me too that he wanted to also kiss me. Oh my… could he still have those kind of feelings for me after what I did to him?
We chatted through text again on Saturday for a bit. I didn’t text or talk to him on Sunday, but he was on my mind all day.
So, now all weekend I have been thinking about him and can’t get him off my mind. Is there something there still?? Where are my feelings coming from and are they real? I wonder if maybe I wasn’t really ready to date back then… maybe it was to soon. What do I do now??? Do I ask him for another chance?? Do I just remain friends and see what happens?? Do I just say hey we broke up for a reason… the same reasons will come back again. I am so full of questions and so confused… I don’t know what to do.
Okay… onto the rest of my weekend. Saturday I took Carter to see Ice Age 3D. (I was still feeling bad for him not being able to see a movie on his class field trip.) We stopped and got some novelty fireworks. Went home and did those in the rain. We played Uno, Go Fish, and Trouble. Then we drove over to Knights to watch fireworks… not as good as the ones we saw Friday night. It had rained all day so the clouds were too low and we couldn’t really see much at all Saturday night. Sunday I slept most of the day away as I didn’t feel well. I think I have developed a bit of a chest cold or something. I didn’t talk to or text Michael all day… but couldn’t get him off my mind either. ;-)
HELP….. What do I do???? I don't think I am ready to reveal my new found feelings to him yet.... I am to scared. I wish life came with a how to guide. ;-)
Wow what a weekend!!!
First I must say what a change from last year! I have recently looked back on my past posts. I have really come a long way since last July 4th holiday. I can now say without a doubt that I am so completely over Dave. Yes, I will admit I still have side effects that are lingering and I hope and pray will some day go away. My biggest being the fear of letting someone get to close to me for the fear of getting hurt again. I am also afraid of hurting someone the way that I have been hurt. I am not saying that I would hurt them in the same cheating and manipulative way that I got hurt, but the hurt of losing the one you love. I don’t want to ever see anyone experience that kind of pain. It was the worst thing in my entire life. However….. I have come a long way from those dark days.
Well onto my weekend….
My office closed at 1pm on Thursday so I had a nice long weekend! However, I worked on the ambulance Thursday night covering Jon for class. Since I had earned worst Mommy of the year award on Thursday… I had forgot to take Carter’s car seat into daycare so that he could go on the field trip. Since I forgot he had to go to the baby room while all his friends went to the movies on a field trip…. Yeah bad mommy. So, Friday I took Carter to Kick’s for some fun!!!
Michael the guy that I dated for six months… well as you know we have kept in contact and continued to talk this whole time. Well he wanted to see Carter and I so we were going to get together for lunch or something. Well he ended up inviting Carter and I to go to Riverton Friday night and watch the fireworks. I was a little hesitant on going because I didn’t know how his family would be since I had broke things off with him. Well Carter and I went… We met him at his Grandma’s house. When I saw him I just gave him a big hug. Then his Grandma came outside of their house and we all went to the park to watch the fireworks. I fought back the urges all night to reach over and grab his hand and hold it. I had these feelings all night that kept coming up… Why did I break up with this wonderful guy? How I have missed him… I wanted to lean over and kiss and hug him and never let go. What were these feelings I was feeling?? Where in the heck did they come from?? Where were they back in February when I broke up with him?? Well he took us all to Steak N Shake for milkshakes after the fireworks. Then we headed back to his place so I could get my car. He helped me carry the lawn chairs and Carter’s car seat to my car. I got Carter loaded up and settled. Then he gave me a hug again…. I think I let it slip and told him I missed him and I didn’t ever want to let him go. I gave him a small peck on his neck, but I really wanted to give him a big kiss!! ;-) Anyways… Carter and I then left and went home. Michael and I texted a bit that night and he told me too that he wanted to also kiss me. Oh my… could he still have those kind of feelings for me after what I did to him?
We chatted through text again on Saturday for a bit. I didn’t text or talk to him on Sunday, but he was on my mind all day.
So, now all weekend I have been thinking about him and can’t get him off my mind. Is there something there still?? Where are my feelings coming from and are they real? I wonder if maybe I wasn’t really ready to date back then… maybe it was to soon. What do I do now??? Do I ask him for another chance?? Do I just remain friends and see what happens?? Do I just say hey we broke up for a reason… the same reasons will come back again. I am so full of questions and so confused… I don’t know what to do.
Okay… onto the rest of my weekend. Saturday I took Carter to see Ice Age 3D. (I was still feeling bad for him not being able to see a movie on his class field trip.) We stopped and got some novelty fireworks. Went home and did those in the rain. We played Uno, Go Fish, and Trouble. Then we drove over to Knights to watch fireworks… not as good as the ones we saw Friday night. It had rained all day so the clouds were too low and we couldn’t really see much at all Saturday night. Sunday I slept most of the day away as I didn’t feel well. I think I have developed a bit of a chest cold or something. I didn’t talk to or text Michael all day… but couldn’t get him off my mind either. ;-)
HELP….. What do I do???? I don't think I am ready to reveal my new found feelings to him yet.... I am to scared. I wish life came with a how to guide. ;-)
Thursday, June 18, 2009
June 2009 Update....
Wowsers… I have not updated in a long time. Sorry about that. Between working two jobs, t-ball, swimming lessons and everyday life of being a single mother to a very active 6 yr old I have been a bit busy!!
As I mentioned about Carter is taking swimming lessons again. He doesn’t particularly care for swimming lessons. However, I have told him he has to take them till he can swim from one end of the pool to the other end without help and without stopping. His friends and our neighbors Jacob and Tyler have a swimming pool and I don’t want to worry about him while he is down there swimming. Right now Carter is in the Guppy class at the local YMCA.
Carter is also finishing up his last season of T-ball. Next year he will be in coach pitch. Right now in his t-ball league that he is in plays 3 innings. The first inning is with the tee and then the other two are coach pitch to get them ready to move up to the next league. Carter LOVES coach pitch. The coach pitches usually about 8 balls to them and if they don’t get it then they have to bat off the tee. Well Carter has always been able to hit one of the coach pitches and knocks it out past 2nd base most of the time too!!! I think baseball is in his blood from his father and his side of the family. Carter’s last game is next Tuesday. He is already looking forward to next year being on the coach pitch team!!!
My “baby” will be starting tackle football in July. Yes you read that right… tackle football at the age of 6. Actually he could have played tackle football last year when he was 5. Carter is really excited, however I am scared. He is my “baby”… I don’t want him to get hurt. This is when I really wish he had a father figure in his life to guide him and help him. I don’t know a thing about football. One good thing is Carter’s head football coach is going to be Jacob and Tyler’s Dad Ron. They just live a few houses down from us. Carter is always down there playing so he knows Ron really well. Also, Jacob and Carter will be on the same team….. The Steelers!
Now onto me! As you know, Carter is my main focus in my life. I know I should put myself first at times too, but it a hard thing to do when you are a single parent without the support of the other parent. If I am not working one of my two jobs I am either at swimming lessons, t-ball practice or a game. Just because I am a single parent I don't want to limit him on what he can do so I try to play the role of both Mom and Dad and allow him to participate in a variety of sports. Plus, I like to be able to take him places around town. I want him to have the experiences that he would've had if his father and I were still together. He was not the one who choose to be raised by only his mother.
I do struggle with Carter not having a father figure in his life. Carter is always asking me when I am going to get pregnant again and have a baby. He wants a baby sister or brother so bad. I told him well Mommy isn't married and so I can't have a baby without a Daddy. Then in his logic he is always telling me to ask a guy out and then marry him so we can have a baby! Oh how I wish it were just that simple! ;-)
Now I am on a couple online dating sites, but I am the shy type so I am not aggressively looking at all. I think a lot of it is I am scared of getting hurt again. I have dated about 7 or so guys since Dave and I separated. The only real serious once was Michael. He was an amazing guy and I feel terrible still for letting him go. There were just some things that I just couldn’t get past in the relationship, so I ultimately couldn’t fall head of heels in love with the guy. At times I kick myself in the butt and tell myself I was stupid and petty and lost the best guy in the world. Then people tell me well if the feelings weren’t there then you did the right thing…. Don’t settle. So anyways… I am really thinking about taking my profiles off the sites right now because I am so busy with Carter and work that I don't have much time to commit to a dating relationship. I know I need to find myself happiness and that will show through onto Carter's happiness. But, I am not having any luck in the dating field.... so I figured I would put all my focus on my son as he is the light of my life. I will just continue to pray that God drops my perfect soul mate in my lap someday!
Okay I think I have rambled on enough...
As I mentioned about Carter is taking swimming lessons again. He doesn’t particularly care for swimming lessons. However, I have told him he has to take them till he can swim from one end of the pool to the other end without help and without stopping. His friends and our neighbors Jacob and Tyler have a swimming pool and I don’t want to worry about him while he is down there swimming. Right now Carter is in the Guppy class at the local YMCA.
Carter is also finishing up his last season of T-ball. Next year he will be in coach pitch. Right now in his t-ball league that he is in plays 3 innings. The first inning is with the tee and then the other two are coach pitch to get them ready to move up to the next league. Carter LOVES coach pitch. The coach pitches usually about 8 balls to them and if they don’t get it then they have to bat off the tee. Well Carter has always been able to hit one of the coach pitches and knocks it out past 2nd base most of the time too!!! I think baseball is in his blood from his father and his side of the family. Carter’s last game is next Tuesday. He is already looking forward to next year being on the coach pitch team!!!
My “baby” will be starting tackle football in July. Yes you read that right… tackle football at the age of 6. Actually he could have played tackle football last year when he was 5. Carter is really excited, however I am scared. He is my “baby”… I don’t want him to get hurt. This is when I really wish he had a father figure in his life to guide him and help him. I don’t know a thing about football. One good thing is Carter’s head football coach is going to be Jacob and Tyler’s Dad Ron. They just live a few houses down from us. Carter is always down there playing so he knows Ron really well. Also, Jacob and Carter will be on the same team….. The Steelers!
Now onto me! As you know, Carter is my main focus in my life. I know I should put myself first at times too, but it a hard thing to do when you are a single parent without the support of the other parent. If I am not working one of my two jobs I am either at swimming lessons, t-ball practice or a game. Just because I am a single parent I don't want to limit him on what he can do so I try to play the role of both Mom and Dad and allow him to participate in a variety of sports. Plus, I like to be able to take him places around town. I want him to have the experiences that he would've had if his father and I were still together. He was not the one who choose to be raised by only his mother.
I do struggle with Carter not having a father figure in his life. Carter is always asking me when I am going to get pregnant again and have a baby. He wants a baby sister or brother so bad. I told him well Mommy isn't married and so I can't have a baby without a Daddy. Then in his logic he is always telling me to ask a guy out and then marry him so we can have a baby! Oh how I wish it were just that simple! ;-)
Now I am on a couple online dating sites, but I am the shy type so I am not aggressively looking at all. I think a lot of it is I am scared of getting hurt again. I have dated about 7 or so guys since Dave and I separated. The only real serious once was Michael. He was an amazing guy and I feel terrible still for letting him go. There were just some things that I just couldn’t get past in the relationship, so I ultimately couldn’t fall head of heels in love with the guy. At times I kick myself in the butt and tell myself I was stupid and petty and lost the best guy in the world. Then people tell me well if the feelings weren’t there then you did the right thing…. Don’t settle. So anyways… I am really thinking about taking my profiles off the sites right now because I am so busy with Carter and work that I don't have much time to commit to a dating relationship. I know I need to find myself happiness and that will show through onto Carter's happiness. But, I am not having any luck in the dating field.... so I figured I would put all my focus on my son as he is the light of my life. I will just continue to pray that God drops my perfect soul mate in my lap someday!
Okay I think I have rambled on enough...
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