Learning to Love like you have never been hurt...

Sometimes you've got to forget the risk and take some chances...
You've got to close your eyes and take the leap....
Because sometimes the fall is worth it all...
The hardest part is learning to Love like you have never been hurt...



Well I took the chance and took the leap… I will keep you posted on if the fall is worth it all!!!

I do have different feelings all the way around this time. I myself have been more open and haven’t held back as much. I told him about what pushed me away the most the last time we dated. I think he is going to work on that issue as it is a personal one for him, but very important in a relationship to have. I talked to him about telling his family the truth about how we met and how it bothered me that he never did. He had told his Mom back when we were dating the last time. However as of right now he has told his Grandma for me, but he still has not told his Aunt. Another thing I have talked to him about was him not being so shy and opening up to me more. There are times I think he is, but I still feel he is holding a lot back. I want him to be open and honest with me. I want him to share his feelings with me and I don’t feel he is… it is a work in progress though (I hope). Last night we talked about finding out who is Father is. To me I would think it would be very important to know that information. One reason is for your own health reasons and secondly if by chance he is “The One” and we do get married and have a child together sometime I would like to know family medical history for both his Mother and Father. I have told him I would help him in any way I could and would be there for him. I told him a little bit about Dave’s experience and how he wished he had found his Dad sooner. Gosh that is a whole topic I could ramble on about. I had sent a letter to Dave’s father’s family and then we received a phone call from Dave’s sister. I can still remember that moment vividly. That was the first time I ever saw Dave cry was when he hung up the phone from talking to her. What an amazing moment for him. The only other time I saw him cry was when his grandfather died.

Anyways… back to Michael and I… I hope and pray that things work this time for us. I couldn’t imagine a sweeter kinder man to be with and to help me raise my son. I hope he works on his personal issue and also on opening up to me more. I want him to show me his feelings. I also know I am not perfect and hope that he can talk to me about what I do that frustrates him. A relationship is based on Honesty, Trust, Respect, Love and Passion. I have asked him every night if he has any questions for me and most of the time he doesn’t. I have put him in the hot seat and given him hundreds of questions and he is so kind to have answered all of them for me. I still have hundreds more!

ugh...

Why do I doubt my feelings???

Are they real or not???

Why is it so hard???

Second guessing myself and think it might have been a fluke????

UGH.....

4th of July Weekend!!!!

4th of July weekend

Wow what a weekend!!!

First I must say what a change from last year! I have recently looked back on my past posts. I have really come a long way since last July 4th holiday. I can now say without a doubt that I am so completely over Dave. Yes, I will admit I still have side effects that are lingering and I hope and pray will some day go away. My biggest being the fear of letting someone get to close to me for the fear of getting hurt again. I am also afraid of hurting someone the way that I have been hurt. I am not saying that I would hurt them in the same cheating and manipulative way that I got hurt, but the hurt of losing the one you love. I don’t want to ever see anyone experience that kind of pain. It was the worst thing in my entire life. However….. I have come a long way from those dark days.

Well onto my weekend….

My office closed at 1pm on Thursday so I had a nice long weekend! However, I worked on the ambulance Thursday night covering Jon for class. Since I had earned worst Mommy of the year award on Thursday… I had forgot to take Carter’s car seat into daycare so that he could go on the field trip. Since I forgot he had to go to the baby room while all his friends went to the movies on a field trip…. Yeah bad mommy. So, Friday I took Carter to Kick’s for some fun!!!

Michael the guy that I dated for six months… well as you know we have kept in contact and continued to talk this whole time. Well he wanted to see Carter and I so we were going to get together for lunch or something. Well he ended up inviting Carter and I to go to Riverton Friday night and watch the fireworks. I was a little hesitant on going because I didn’t know how his family would be since I had broke things off with him. Well Carter and I went… We met him at his Grandma’s house. When I saw him I just gave him a big hug. Then his Grandma came outside of their house and we all went to the park to watch the fireworks. I fought back the urges all night to reach over and grab his hand and hold it. I had these feelings all night that kept coming up… Why did I break up with this wonderful guy? How I have missed him… I wanted to lean over and kiss and hug him and never let go. What were these feelings I was feeling?? Where in the heck did they come from?? Where were they back in February when I broke up with him?? Well he took us all to Steak N Shake for milkshakes after the fireworks. Then we headed back to his place so I could get my car. He helped me carry the lawn chairs and Carter’s car seat to my car. I got Carter loaded up and settled. Then he gave me a hug again…. I think I let it slip and told him I missed him and I didn’t ever want to let him go. I gave him a small peck on his neck, but I really wanted to give him a big kiss!! ;-) Anyways… Carter and I then left and went home. Michael and I texted a bit that night and he told me too that he wanted to also kiss me. Oh my… could he still have those kind of feelings for me after what I did to him?

We chatted through text again on Saturday for a bit. I didn’t text or talk to him on Sunday, but he was on my mind all day.

So, now all weekend I have been thinking about him and can’t get him off my mind. Is there something there still?? Where are my feelings coming from and are they real? I wonder if maybe I wasn’t really ready to date back then… maybe it was to soon. What do I do now??? Do I ask him for another chance?? Do I just remain friends and see what happens?? Do I just say hey we broke up for a reason… the same reasons will come back again. I am so full of questions and so confused… I don’t know what to do.

Okay… onto the rest of my weekend. Saturday I took Carter to see Ice Age 3D. (I was still feeling bad for him not being able to see a movie on his class field trip.) We stopped and got some novelty fireworks. Went home and did those in the rain. We played Uno, Go Fish, and Trouble. Then we drove over to Knights to watch fireworks… not as good as the ones we saw Friday night. It had rained all day so the clouds were too low and we couldn’t really see much at all Saturday night. Sunday I slept most of the day away as I didn’t feel well. I think I have developed a bit of a chest cold or something. I didn’t talk to or text Michael all day… but couldn’t get him off my mind either. ;-)

HELP….. What do I do???? I don't think I am ready to reveal my new found feelings to him yet.... I am to scared. I wish life came with a how to guide. ;-)

June 2009 Update....

Wowsers… I have not updated in a long time. Sorry about that. Between working two jobs, t-ball, swimming lessons and everyday life of being a single mother to a very active 6 yr old I have been a bit busy!!

As I mentioned about Carter is taking swimming lessons again. He doesn’t particularly care for swimming lessons. However, I have told him he has to take them till he can swim from one end of the pool to the other end without help and without stopping. His friends and our neighbors Jacob and Tyler have a swimming pool and I don’t want to worry about him while he is down there swimming. Right now Carter is in the Guppy class at the local YMCA.

Carter is also finishing up his last season of T-ball. Next year he will be in coach pitch. Right now in his t-ball league that he is in plays 3 innings. The first inning is with the tee and then the other two are coach pitch to get them ready to move up to the next league. Carter LOVES coach pitch. The coach pitches usually about 8 balls to them and if they don’t get it then they have to bat off the tee. Well Carter has always been able to hit one of the coach pitches and knocks it out past 2nd base most of the time too!!! I think baseball is in his blood from his father and his side of the family. Carter’s last game is next Tuesday. He is already looking forward to next year being on the coach pitch team!!!

My “baby” will be starting tackle football in July. Yes you read that right… tackle football at the age of 6. Actually he could have played tackle football last year when he was 5. Carter is really excited, however I am scared. He is my “baby”… I don’t want him to get hurt. This is when I really wish he had a father figure in his life to guide him and help him. I don’t know a thing about football. One good thing is Carter’s head football coach is going to be Jacob and Tyler’s Dad Ron. They just live a few houses down from us. Carter is always down there playing so he knows Ron really well. Also, Jacob and Carter will be on the same team….. The Steelers!

Now onto me! As you know, Carter is my main focus in my life. I know I should put myself first at times too, but it a hard thing to do when you are a single parent without the support of the other parent. If I am not working one of my two jobs I am either at swimming lessons, t-ball practice or a game. Just because I am a single parent I don't want to limit him on what he can do so I try to play the role of both Mom and Dad and allow him to participate in a variety of sports. Plus, I like to be able to take him places around town. I want him to have the experiences that he would've had if his father and I were still together. He was not the one who choose to be raised by only his mother.

I do struggle with Carter not having a father figure in his life. Carter is always asking me when I am going to get pregnant again and have a baby. He wants a baby sister or brother so bad. I told him well Mommy isn't married and so I can't have a baby without a Daddy. Then in his logic he is always telling me to ask a guy out and then marry him so we can have a baby! Oh how I wish it were just that simple! ;-)

Now I am on a couple online dating sites, but I am the shy type so I am not aggressively looking at all. I think a lot of it is I am scared of getting hurt again. I have dated about 7 or so guys since Dave and I separated. The only real serious once was Michael. He was an amazing guy and I feel terrible still for letting him go. There were just some things that I just couldn’t get past in the relationship, so I ultimately couldn’t fall head of heels in love with the guy. At times I kick myself in the butt and tell myself I was stupid and petty and lost the best guy in the world. Then people tell me well if the feelings weren’t there then you did the right thing…. Don’t settle. So anyways… I am really thinking about taking my profiles off the sites right now because I am so busy with Carter and work that I don't have much time to commit to a dating relationship. I know I need to find myself happiness and that will show through onto Carter's happiness. But, I am not having any luck in the dating field.... so I figured I would put all my focus on my son as he is the light of my life. I will just continue to pray that God drops my perfect soul mate in my lap someday!

Okay I think I have rambled on enough...

All about me!!!

All about me!

Well here is a little update on me. I seem to have just been focusing my posts on all the Dave drama lately. Yes that gives us all a good laugh, but I am sure or hope you want to know about me too.

So here it goes…

As you all know I broke up with Michael in February. I really liked him and he was a true genuine guy who would have gone to the end of the earth for me. However, after a little over 6 months I just didn’t feel that great connection or those knock me off my feet butterflies and feelings of falling in love and not being able to live without him. I did and still do really like him and miss him plus there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of him. I couldn’t have ever asked for someone as caring as him. He welcomed me and Carter into his life with open arms. Carter also really liked him. There are times I think I made a mistake by breaking up with him. But, if my feelings for him weren’t there I didn’t want to drag it on any longer and have him possibly fall in love with me and get really hurt in the end. I feel terrible feeling this way, but I think part of my problem was the similarities to Dave and I know that wasn’t fair to Michael. Michael and Dave grew up with the same kind of childhood of not nowing their fathers and basically being raised by their grandmothers. My fear of not having stability again really scares me. I don't want to end up in finacial ruin again.

I have dated a couple other guys who did have really good very well paying jobs and they all owned their own homes. Well I have mentioned Todd whom I dated right after Dave and I separated. Then there was the other Michael I had met on eHarmony. Well the last one I was just dating up till this week his name was Jeff. He was really nice had a very good job as a Director of Strategy. He was divorced, but didn't have any kids. Well that relationship didn't work for me either.

So my main focus as it has always been is Carter. I am going to take a break from dating unless somebody just falls in front of me. There is a firefighter that I just think is too cute so I will just lust after him for now.

Well that is it on me.

Short & Sweet

Well I found out yesterday that Dave and his wife of less then three weeks will be getting a divorce. I guess she left for work yesterday and didn't say goodbye to him or anything. So he sent her a text asking her if he did something wrong. She said he stresses her and that married life just isn't for her. So now Dave is looking at going back to truck driving again. He told me he did everything right this time and really behaved himself. LOL... what a joke.

Oh and he is now talking to Susie from Baltimore again.

Like I have said before he will never grow up and learn.

At the current time I am swamped at work so I will update on me later!

Carter's visit with his Dad

So I let Dave take Carter for a little bit on Saturday. I told him he could pick him up around 12. Carter was so excited he wouldn't even go play outside with his friends cause his Dad was coming. So 12 comes and goes.... finally about 1 Dave calls and says he is on his way and will call when he gets on North Cotton Hill Road. He asks to borrow my car seat again and I let him use it and they are gone.

While Carter was gone I went out and bought him 2 beta fish!! They were talking about pets at school and he was sad cause he missed our dog that Dave had kept after we separated and then ended up giving away. So Carter was wanting a pet and I wasn't going to get him a dog or anything like that.... so fish it is!! Plus it was something for me to do while he was gone so I wasn't home crying cause I was worried and missing him.

Anyways... Dave called at 5:15 and wanted to know if I wanted Carter back now I could come and get him, or else if I wanted him to bring him home it would be around 7:30 or so. I said that he could spend some more time with him and 7:30 was fine. He calls again at 6:44 and says "we" are on our way to bring Carter back. Dave again calls me when he is on North Cotton Hill Road so I can be outside waiting for him... don't know why that is... is he afraid to come to the door?? Carter gets out of the car and is walking up towards the house before I make it outside. Carter tells me to come here he wants me to meet Curtis (Dave's girlfriends 10 yr old son) so I walk down the driveway a bit and waved and said hi. Dave was said what are you doing... I said Carter wanted me to meet Curtis. Dave's girlfriend was driving and Curtis was in the seat behind her so I couldn't see either one of them that well as they had just parked in the street and the drivers side was the furthest away.

Once Carter got inside all I asked him was if he had fun. Carter said yeah Curtis and I played outside and played guns. He also said he saw and old grandma. I asked him then if he went to Jacksonville to see Dave's mom of Dave's grandma that is in a nursing home. He said never mind.... I'm not suppose to tell you. So I dropped it.

On Sunday I had to work at Lifestar for a few hours and mom was doing an open house for dad so April was going to watch Carter for a bit. Carter told April that Curtis had told him that his sister was chasing him and he ran into the bathroom to hide and locked the door and tried to call his mom and she wouldn't answer the phone.... then he ran out of the bathroom and into the kitchen and grabbed a knife and chased his sister with it. April told me about that and I debated on asking Carter anything about it and then decided I better cause if something happened to him over at his Dads and I didn't pursue this I would never forgive myself. So I asked Carter and he said that Curtis told him about it and it didn't happen while he was there. So I was a bit relieved, but still concerned about this 10 yr old chasing someone with a knife. So Dave called on Monday and I debated on saying anything to him cause I knew he would get pissed and deny anything like that would happen. But, I decided again that I couldn't forgive myself if I didn't say anything and something were to happen to my baby. So as I was trying to tell the story to Dave before I could even finish he was cutting me off telling me that it didn't happen. I told him to let me finish and that Carter said it didn't happen while he was there, but that it happened a different time. Dave still said that it didn't happen and wouldn't have happened in a condescending voice. I was so mad I just hung up on him. I don't need to listen to him talk to me that way and I was pissed that he believed this 10 yr old child he knew for only 1 week over his own son.

I haven't really heard from him since then... he did text me on Wednesday and asked me what I still had of his besides his real father's Bible and his grandma's picture. I told him I didn't know and I would go look later. I wasn't going to drop what I was doing to go look, but I did later and all I have of his is a laundry basket full of baseball pictures and some pictures of the kids. He had given me all this stuff the last time he left Lisa and moved out before he started truck driving. Pretty sad to think that when he moved in with me in 1999 all he had was a milk crate full of stuff and when we separated and divorced he had a house full of stuff he took. He took a couch, queen size bed, two TV's, DVD player, vcr player, laptop, tons of dishes and kitchen stuff, and a lot more too. Now he is moving in with this girl and all he has is a small laundry basket of stuff and his clothes.


Okay this is an addition....

I posted this original blog around 9 am.... well now it is almost 2pm and I have some news that will blow you away. Are you ready??

3 weeks ago Dave picked a girl named Susie who was the one he decided to exclusivley pursue. On March 12th he came to Spfld for the weekend with his training partner on the big rig truck. He met up again with Angie with one of the girls he met online... well they got married on St. Patrick's Day. Yeah you read that right. They got $**$&#*%& married. So much for picking Susie three weeks ago to be the one.... OMG