2009 is coming to an end... Where did the year go??

I can't believe 2009 is almost over. This year is ending in an amazing way for me too!!!

As I mentioned before that I thought I had probably found Mr. Right already and just never knew it. Yes, Michael! I wasn't sure if he would ever give me a chance for more then just the friends that we remained. Well he did.... He is an amazing man (just like I have always said) He has really opened up to me this time. I always thought he was holding back and wasn't telling me something. Well we had an amazing talk and he explained some things to me. He said he now fully trusts me and he is now ready to take that leap of faith with me. I told him I didn't realize he wasn't ready that last time we dated. I told him I was ready then, but this time I started off a bit apprehensive. He told me he understood.

Well we have finally made that great connection that I never totally felt with him before. It is amazing!!!! He told me he loved me on December 19th! It just melted my heart! I told him I was getting there too... He told me to take my time.

Meanwhile I have continued to really fall for him... he has really opened up to me. He is so amazing! I got us tickets to go see a comedian at the Funny Bone in St. Louis on New Years Eve. I was thinking I would probably tell him that night that I Loved him as I was certain that I was falling in Love with him. Then Christmas Eve came and he came over to our house just as we finished opening presents. He ate dinner with us and then we just enjoyed each other company. He said he was going to have to go home about 8 to get stuff ready for Christmas Day. Well Carter and him started playing football on the PlayStation. So while they were busy I was able to get some stuff picked up and then to start making Gee's blanket. It was almost 10pm when they finally got done and Michael started to get ready to leave. I told him to call me or text me when he got home. Well he didn't call and didn't text and I started to get worried since the weather wasn't that good outside. It was a good 45 minutes later I got a text from him saying that he was home and that he left his phone in the car by accident. Well the first think I saw when I opened that text was Accident. My heart just sank. It was then that I realized I had really fallen in Love with him. I was so worried that something happened to him and the thought of not ever seeing him again really scared me. Then I was thinking if something did happen to him that I never got to tell him I Loved him.... So, Christmas Day when he came over I told him I Loved him and that I knew I was falling for him, but I really realized it the night before that I wasn't only falling... I already Fell in love!

We have spent the past two Christmas's together and I hope we spend many more together.

I think I have found "The One"!!!! I told him thank you for never giving up on me and he said he Never has given up on me and that he Never will!

2010 is going to be an amazing year!!!!

I took that leap of faith and I fell.... and let me tell you the fall was worth it all!!!

The search for Mr. Right....

I know I've said this before, but I really thought dating was supposed to be fun.... Well it's not.

I saw a guy again this weekend that I had previously saw a couple months ago. He is very kind and gentle. He has a good job making lots of money, however he lives in Peoria so that he can be closer to his work. I went there to see him this weekend. Well I just was not comfortable around him. I found myself comparing him to Michael. Yes, Michael the guy that I have dated twice now.... Michael is just such an amazing man, he really is. I just wish I had that great connection with him. Maybe every time we tried dating I was trying to rush things?? I have never felt as comfortable with anyone else as I do with him.

This past Monday I had to go to Decatur to have a root canal done. I asked him if he could give me directions since he used to live in Decatur. Well, he not only gave me directions he wanted to take me. He said he was off work that day and would like to see me and to be able to take me. He is so SWEET. After all that I have put him through he is still there for me no matter what.

I was telling some of my friends at work that he was wanting to take me to the dentist. One of them said to me... you know what will happen someday... I said what. She said someday you two will get married. ;-)

I don't know though... As much as I do really like him... always have and have fallen for him numerous times, there was always something that would sneak up and stop me from falling completely in love with him. Plus, I don't know if he would ever take me back... and I wouldn't blame him one bit either.

So, that's it for my dating life right now. Maybe I had already found Mr. Right and didn't ever realize it......

NEW UPDATE!!!! (sorry it's been so long)

First let me say for those that do still read this…. I am sorry that it has been so long since I have given an update.

Lets see… where to start.

Well the last time I updated I was still seeing Michael. Back in the beginning of September we mutually agreed that things just weren’t progressing and that it just wasn’t a good time for us to be trying to date again. I told him I do care for him, but that I just don’t have time right now to devote to a relationship. My main priority is Carter and myself. So between Carter’s sports activities and me working 2 jobs to try and make ends meet I just don’t have time to date anyone right now. Now I have gone on two dates since Michael and I called it quits. However, I told them both before we even went on the dates that I really wasn’t looking to date right now as I just don’t have the time to devote to a relationship. They understood, but still wanted to go out.

Carter is finishing up football right now. He had his last scheduled game already, but his team has a bowl game this coming Saturday. He keeps wavering back and forth on whether or not he wants to play football again next year. I am signing him up next for basketball that starts next month. He has never played before so we will have to wait and see if he likes it. His favorite sport by far is baseball!!!!!

Carter seems to be doing really well in 1st grade this year. It is amazing to hear him read to me. I LOVE it! My baby is growing up though… way to fast. I have his parent teacher conference this coming Friday so I will hopefully find out more on how he is doing in class then.

Can you believe Carter is going to be 7 years old in less then a month…. Oh my goodness where have the past 7 years gone???

I was the good parent last night and actually took Carter to Jacksonville to see his father. Carter hasn’t seen his father since Father’s Day when once again I was the one who drove to Jacksonville so he could see him. On Father’s Day he saw him for a total of about 5 minutes tops. Sad part is Carter didn’t really even want to go… I had to make him go. Last night we were at his house and we sat there for about 15-20 minutes maybe. Dave has 2 cats and both Carter and I are allergic to them. Dave has moved his girlfriend in with him… or I guess I should say fiancée. Yes I guess they are engaged even though he isn’t divorced from his last fling that he married. I really don’t approve of his new girlfriend at all. She has recently been arrested for doing drugs. I don’t care if it is only pot she is doing…. It is illegal. Dave caught her one time doing drugs and he broke up with her. (which surprised me) Supposedly she went to rehab and isn’t doing drugs anymore now. So he took her back. However it will be a cold day in hell before I ever allow Carter to go over there for any kind of overnight visit. Fist of all she smokes cigarettes which Carter is allergic to the smoke, and they have 2 cats which Carter is allergic to. Then there is the fact of the illegal drug problem…. I’m sorry maybe she has kicked the habit, but I have my doubts.

Today is kind of a sad day for me. Nine years ago today I married the man I was so madly in love with. I wanted to start a family with him and to live happily ever after. I really thought it would last forever. Dave and I got married October 7, 2000… As I sit here thinking about how happy I was then I start to tear up a bit. I miss that life… I miss being married, I miss being a complete family. Why did he have to take that from Carter and I??? I know he has said many times that he would take us back now. But then again that would be another cold day in hell for me to put Carter and I through that again. Dave is the one who repeatedly cheated and wasn’t happy in the marriage. I forgave him and took him back to many times…. I will never do that again. Carter and I are surviving just fine without him.

Oh I almost forgot about Carter’s hospital stay. Back in August during the Illinois State Fair Carter had an asthma attack and ended up going to the ER by ambulance and had to stay in the hospital for 3 days. We didn’t even know he had asthma so it was a really scary experience for us. Carter is now on a bunch of meds and doing so much better.

Well that is about all I can think of for right now.

Being honest...

Being honest isn't always easy, but it is ALWAYS the best thing to do.

As you can tell from my last post I feel a little stuck in my relationship. He is perfect in a lot of ways, but still there is just something missing. He has even thought so too.

I have to be true to myself and I have to be honest with him. I wish I knew what was the right thing to do. I hope and pray that I don't do the wrong thing. I need God to help guide me.

I have told him that I don't want him to ever think I am hiding anything from him or being dishonest in anyway. I don't want to hurt him or mislead him in anyway either. So I have told him that there is someone else I am talking to... we have never met before. However, I started talking to him back in early 2008 when Dave and I first separated. We have recently been in contact with each other again and are continuing the friendship. We have considered actually meeting sometime for dinner.

Some people may say there is no need to tell him unless it goes past just being friends. Well I feel that I need to always be honest. Maybe that is a fault of mine. Maybe I shouldn't have told him. I don't know... I am new to all of this. I just know that if the roles were reversed I would want to know. He knows that I am am confused about "us"... I do care for him very much. I just don't know if he is "the one" or not.

So maybe I have ruined what we had, but I am just being true to myself. I want to find that complete bridge that will take me to the other side to happiness.

Why is dating so hard... I thought it was supposed to be fun and enjoyable.

What to do???

I feel like I am trying to cross a big ravine on a bridge made out of wood planks. I am half way to safety on the other side, but I can't go all the way because the rest of the wood planks are missing. I am stuck....

Do I give up and go back and start all over??

Do I stay put where I am at and sacrifice my happiness??

I am afraid if I stay and wait the bridge will eventually collapse around me and I won't be able to get out.

UGH....

Learning to Love like you have never been hurt...

Sometimes you've got to forget the risk and take some chances...
You've got to close your eyes and take the leap....
Because sometimes the fall is worth it all...
The hardest part is learning to Love like you have never been hurt...



Well I took the chance and took the leap… I will keep you posted on if the fall is worth it all!!!

I do have different feelings all the way around this time. I myself have been more open and haven’t held back as much. I told him about what pushed me away the most the last time we dated. I think he is going to work on that issue as it is a personal one for him, but very important in a relationship to have. I talked to him about telling his family the truth about how we met and how it bothered me that he never did. He had told his Mom back when we were dating the last time. However as of right now he has told his Grandma for me, but he still has not told his Aunt. Another thing I have talked to him about was him not being so shy and opening up to me more. There are times I think he is, but I still feel he is holding a lot back. I want him to be open and honest with me. I want him to share his feelings with me and I don’t feel he is… it is a work in progress though (I hope). Last night we talked about finding out who is Father is. To me I would think it would be very important to know that information. One reason is for your own health reasons and secondly if by chance he is “The One” and we do get married and have a child together sometime I would like to know family medical history for both his Mother and Father. I have told him I would help him in any way I could and would be there for him. I told him a little bit about Dave’s experience and how he wished he had found his Dad sooner. Gosh that is a whole topic I could ramble on about. I had sent a letter to Dave’s father’s family and then we received a phone call from Dave’s sister. I can still remember that moment vividly. That was the first time I ever saw Dave cry was when he hung up the phone from talking to her. What an amazing moment for him. The only other time I saw him cry was when his grandfather died.

Anyways… back to Michael and I… I hope and pray that things work this time for us. I couldn’t imagine a sweeter kinder man to be with and to help me raise my son. I hope he works on his personal issue and also on opening up to me more. I want him to show me his feelings. I also know I am not perfect and hope that he can talk to me about what I do that frustrates him. A relationship is based on Honesty, Trust, Respect, Love and Passion. I have asked him every night if he has any questions for me and most of the time he doesn’t. I have put him in the hot seat and given him hundreds of questions and he is so kind to have answered all of them for me. I still have hundreds more!

ugh...

Why do I doubt my feelings???

Are they real or not???

Why is it so hard???

Second guessing myself and think it might have been a fluke????

UGH.....